cjmarlowe

Well, all the cool kids are doing it...

I really do mean to post to DW more often and then I get busy and I forget and then the effort of stringing words together in a meaningful way to describe my day, week, month, whatever seems like so much work. (Immediately upon thinking this I feel like I should revoke my writer card.)

» I did something atrocious to my knee last week, and I should probably see a doctor about it but I've had intermittent knee problems since a track injury in high school and they usually work themselves out so I haven't yet. If it doesn't legit improve over the weekend I'll go on Monday, maybe. It seems to be getting better, but then maybe I'm just adapting to a new baseline normal.

» Last weekend I worked on a short film, for the first time in ages, and it was exhausting in the best ways. I really wonder sometimes why I let me life go in a different direction from the things I clearly love doing. And then I remind myself it's not too late, and mid-30s isn't actually that old, and I just have to figure out what I want to do most instead of letting more time just slip on by.

» To that end, been writing much more, and starting to see patterns in my (original) work that I didn't see before. I think for a long time I didn't feel like I had an identity, as a writer, that I was unfocused and all over the place thematically and stylistically. And there's nothing actually wrong with that, a person can write in a lot of different genres, but I didn't feel like I was doing them all well so I've got a sense I'm in a much better place now. I just need to finish more.

» I've started posting fic directly to my AO3, bypassing the part where I link them from DW/LJ. Mostly because I'm lazy, and also because a lot of it is for kink bingo and kink meme fills and by the time I format the information in three different ways for three different places I'm ready to, like, get a snack or go for a walk or something. :) Maybe I'll do another post to link a few of them, because this seems to be getting kind of long...

Till next time, mes amis!

This entry was originally posted at http://cj.dreamwidth.org/22347.html.

Happy birthday Captain America, and also America. I wrote you some porn! #howwedoitincanada

I appear to be dabbling in the kink meme. These were both (briefly) anonymous, before I decided today was the obvious day to post them to AO3.

Window (1010 words) by cjmarlowe
Marvel Cinematic Universe. Steve Rogers/Steve Rogers. Adult.

It's hard to connect feeling the planes of hard muscle under his hand to the simultaneous feeling of someone touching him, like the two things are disconnected events (both parts of which feel very good to him all the same).


Going Down (3935 words) by cjmarlowe
Marvel Cinematic Universe. Steve Rogers/all of the women. All of them. Adult.

Steve gets all the girls on tour. Or rather, all the girls on tour get Captain America.

This entry was originally posted at http://cj.dreamwidth.org/21776.html.

This is one of those posts that I'm probably going to be horribly embarrassed by and delete tomorrow, but right now it's pouring rain and I'm feeling so trapped in this life and it seems like something I want to do.

I know I've had some rough times over the past few years. I've found myself down some very deep, very dark holes that god forbid I ever actually talk about, and struggled very hard to claw my way back out of them. I know I'm doing that right now. And every time, I lose everyone I had and everything I built. I'm not asking why. I know why. I withdraw and I divert and I alienate and I'm so socially fucking inept that I don't ever know how to fix anything.

So if we've ever been friends, please know that I miss you so much. All of you.

This entry was originally posted at http://cj.dreamwidth.org/21499.html.

I know I have not posted in ages. I keep wanting to and there are so many things I want to talk about and I want to engage with my circle about things in my life and feminist and queer issues I'm dealing with and fandom and fun and I just keep running out of time and the moment I have downtime all I feel like I have the energy to do is watch TV. Clearly I need to redistribute my energy in a way that makes me happier and more connected again, but first I need to put the garden in today if it ever stops raining and maybe finish unpacking my office and finally have a home again in which I hope, one day soon, to have a life.

Love to you all. I am still here. I am still paying attention.

This entry was originally posted at http://cj.dreamwidth.org/20927.html.

Dear internets,

I feel like it's been forever since we last talked! Probably because it's been over two months since I posted and I honestly am not sure how that happened.

Anyway. Work continues to be work and I stress about it all the time but I'm trying to let go of that. I might be ultimately responsible for everything that happens, and I think it's important and valuable, but it's not actually life and death. I should try not to lose so much sleep over it.

I'd mentioned a couple of times that I was finally moving, which I did in the middle of February. Sort of. I ended up signing my lease within days of starting a housesitting job (favour?), which ended up getting extended and lasting nearly a month. Which meant that between the middle of February and the middle of March all my stuff was scattered between three places--four if I count work, which I probably should considering how much stuff I stashed in the office--and I felt fairly lost and adrift until I finally actually moved in. I am totally still living out of boxes.

The house is about two blocks from work, which on the one hand is convenient and on the other hand means that I can be expected to pop over at a moment's notice for...pretty much anything. But today I came home for lunch and basically just took my pants off and sat down and read a book for an hour and it felt like the most decadent thing ever.

Still singing. Hoping I'm doing okay, but I have no objectivity and I don't know how to get personal feedback without seeming like I'm looking for validation. (Man, even just typing that makes me feel kind of lame.) Performing with both groups in a couple of weeks, then in late May with a repertoire we haven't even starting working on yet. Eep. Missing writing. Should probably sacrifice something for it, because I know by now that my mental health often rests on having that outlet, and that's part of what's been wrong this last while.

Other things have happened too. Some good, some not so.

Anyway, internets, that's been my life these past couple of months. How are you?

Love,
CJ

This entry was originally posted at http://cj.dreamwidth.org/20369.html.

Do you ever feel like the internet is saving you from yourself?



This entry was originally posted at http://cj.dreamwidth.org/19772.html.

This year I ended up writing six stories in five fandoms: one original assignment, three pinch hits, and two treats. I'd written in only one of the fandoms before...for Yuletide last year. (Well, if you don't count the Olympics RPF which is a really broad category.) All were an absolute delight!


Assignments

Wednesday Morning, 3 A.M. for sophieisgod [Weekend (2011), Russell/Glen, explicit]
It wasn't that Russell never thought about Glen, about what he'd done across the pond with his life and his career and his everything. But it still took him off guard to hear from him again, even just a postcard. [3702 words]

I have never ever ever matched my recipient on more than one fandom before, so I was determined to write stories for both of them. However, my story for the other request (in Fresh Meat) kept growing and growing and so now it's likely going to be posted as a NYR story some time in February. :) But this one, this one got done. The request was for a Before Sunset-like follow up to Weekend's Before Sunrise, which I though was just a gorgeous idea.

Les Chevaliers for favolefata [Trinity (TV 2009), Jonty/Ross]
It was all because of Dorian, as things so often were. [4682 words]

Trinity was, frankly, a ridiculous show and it's no surprise it didn't get a second series, but I was totally addicted to it and David Oakes and Tom Hughes play a couple in it that basically is the emotional heart of the show and completely transcends the ridiculousness around them. Now that I've written them once, I kind of want to do it again.

Posh Top for betternovembers [Fresh Meat, JP/Giles, implied Oregon/Vod]
JP owned the house now, which meant he was under no obligation to wait to take a housemate vote before he offered Giles the top floor room. [3866 words]

I am generally all about the Oregon/Vod in this fandom, but I loved the introduction of Giles in series 2 and the whole process that JP went through (because I am all about actual queer characters in canon) and I was so disappointed they never really followed up on it. Well, yet.

What They Say About Sequels for lightgetsin [Threesome (UK TV), Alice/Mitch/Richie, explicit]
They were really doing it this time. They were really going to have another baby. The only question was how. [3490 words]

What the recipient said about this fandom in her request is exactly how I felt about it: the show hits my embarrassment squick hard sometimes, and yet I love it and I love them.


Treats

Flying the Coop for JenNova [Threesome (UK TV), Alice/Mitch/Richie, but mostly Lily]
Leaving the flat to go to uni shouldn't have been quite this traumatic. Not for Lily, who'd been packed for days and was more than ready to start spreading her wings, but for everyone else. [1071 words]

Because once I wrote Lily as a preschooler, it was a very small step to want to write her leaving for university, and the prompt was pretty much for exactly that. :)

Babel for eudaimon [Olympics/Paralympics RPF, Trevor Hirschfield]
Trevor never did really do casual sex anyway, even before he was involved; the logistics are just too tricky for someone who doesn't know him very well, and honestly, it always gets better with experimentation and practice anyway which you just don't get with a one night stand. [1033 words]

Yeah, Ruth guessed I wrote this one before she even read it, I think. But Trevor! Trevor is awesome, y'all.


And In Conclusion

A huge, huge thank you to lorax and storiesfortravellers for writing for me this year! You can see me rave about their stories here.

This entry was originally posted at http://cj.dreamwidth.org/19107.html.

In November I wrote 438 words. Total. So you can imagine Nanowrimo was a bit of a bust this year. Which is even sadder because I was teaching a creative writing course and I'd encouraged my students to give it a shot if they were interested, and one of them totally finished. But then in December I wrote 25,123 words and posted 15 stories (including 6 stories for Yuletide that haven't been revealed yet), so that is significantly better (and feels significantly better, which is even more important to me).

I'm going to do a 2012 writing roundup some time later today, probably after Yuletide reveals, but not too much of a life roundup. So, in brief: five years ago or so my life felt fairly perfect. Not perfect as in nothing was wrong with it, but perfect in that I really loved it, generally. I loved my job and I loved my home and I loved my friends and I loved my hobbies and I was in love. And then I pretty much lost all of it, in a fairly short period of time. A lot of 2012 was looking back at that life from where I am right now, back in my hometown and just kind of getting by, and wondering what the hell happened and how do I get it back? But here on the cusp of a new year, I feel like I'm coming to terms with the fact that I will not be getting that back, and looking ahead to what I might be able to have and do and be in the future.

Anyway. Moving on.

I'm not sure I'm going to continue these in the new year. Maybe just the writing part of it. My books I do on Goodreads fairly reliably now, and that just leaves a list of movies, which I suspect has always mostly been just for me. I'll have to think about it.

( Movies and Books, November/December 2012 )

This entry was originally posted at http://cj.dreamwidth.org/18480.html.

Okay, yes, I totally acknowledge that no one who requested these ficlets from me is even really in the fandom anymore. And in at least one case, is not in fandom or on LJ at all. But, well, I'm doing some end of the year housekeeping and they're all done and I'm just a completist. I couldn't leave them unfulfilled. It may take me a while, but I will always get there in the end. (I think—and please do tell me if I've missed something!—this is the last of them. My inbox is clear for the first time since 2010.)

So yes. AI and KAB ficlets! No, really.

Disclaimer: No disrespect intended to any of the persons depicted herein, who I hope are all living happy and fulfilled lives with their partner(s) of choice. This is purely fictional, and not in any way intended as an accurate representation of reality.


Kris/Cale. 1135 words. PG. For wildchild1222. High School AU. Sequel to One Night in Jacksonville and Tomorrow Starts Today.
( Beyond That )

Kris/Cale. 1580 words. PG-13. For lithoboly.
( Replay )

Kris/Cale. 2690 words. NC-17. For arabella_hope.
( Midnight Snack )

Kris/Adam. 1190 words. PG. For oatmeal_cookie. Part of the Six Months 'Verse. High school/college AU.
( On The Road )

This entry was originally posted at http://cj.dreamwidth.org/17927.html.

One year I will actually post every day during Yuletide. But yesterday I spent part of the day doing manual labour, part of the day sleeping, and the rest of the day organising my digital files because I didn't have the mental energy for anything more complicated, so very little reading got done. As in none.

A little bit more today (interspersed with yet more sleep, seriously, how much can one person sleep? I am so over this cold, and really wish it was over me) and hopefully exponentially more tomorrow.

( 4 recs in British Comedian RPF, Can't Hardly Wait, Candleshoe, and Bram Stoker - Dracula )

This entry was originally posted at http://cj.dreamwidth.org/17603.html.