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cjmarlowePrevious Part
It was over four months after they met, on a chilly, rainy January day, when Jared discovered Brock smoked. It wasn't even on purpose. He was sitting out on the back steps, coat unzipped and tie askew, when he caught sight of him out of the corner of his eye, lighting up almost before the heavy door had swung shut behind him.
"Shit," Brock murmured, obviously looking for someplace to hide it before realising he was well and truly busted. "I need to remember to look to make sure I'm alone."
"You're lucky I wasn't someone else," said Jared, squeezing his butt over to the side a little so Brock could join him on the step. "It's going to start raining again."
"Of course it's going to start raining again," said Brock as he sat down, thigh to thigh with Jared. "It's January. Do you mind...?" He waved the cigarette questioningly, just far enough away that the smoke wouldn't drift into Jared's face.
Jared just shook his head. "No, it's fine," he said. "Hey, it's your lungs, right?"
"Hey, you don't give me grief about my bad habits, and I won't ask you what you're doing sitting out here in the rain," said Brock, taking a drag and blowing smoke off to the other side.
"It's okay if you want to ask," said Jared, leaning forward onto his knees. He was going to have to get someone to let out the hem on his pants again, Christ, if there was even any left to let out.
"Okay then," said Brock. "What are you doing sitting out here in the rain, Jared, since you're obviously not having a nic fit."
"I dunno," he said. "Just thinking about home, I guess."
"Why, something going on with that friend of yours?" he said. "They're not, like, going to send you away or something, are they?"
"No, not that," said Jared. "I mean home. Home back with my family, with Jeff and Chad and Bisou and Sadie. I miss it, you know?"
Brock looked off in the direction of the mountains. "Yeah, I guess you would," he said. "I'd miss my home too if I had to go away. Hell, I used to miss it when I went away to summer camp. I don't think I could've handled boarding school."
"I guess this is a little like boarding school," said Jared consideringly. "A little bit, I guess. I sort of never thought about it like that."
For it to be boarding school, no one was asking him to think of it as home. He'd never had that before, never lived a place he wasn't supposed to think of, even for a short time, as his new home.
"You didn't go home for Christmas?"
Jared shook his head. "I think if I asked Jeff would've paid for me to go," he said, "but they wanted me to stay here, with Jensen. It was important to be with him over the holidays."
"That's gotta be weird too," said Brock. "Your whole... situation."
"I guess," said Jared. It certainly wasn't quite like any situation he'd been in before, in a lot of ways. "I like him, though. Jensen, I mean. We're friends. It would probably be a lot weirder if we didn't get along."
"So there's good things about being here, then, right?" said Brock, taking another drag and licking his lips as Jared watched. "You don't spend all your time thinking of home?"
"Maybe not all of it," said Jared, bumping his knee against Brock's a little self-consciously, waiting to see if maybe he would do it back. He spent a lot of his time thinking of home, but there were good things about Vancouver, things he would probably see a lot more clearly if he didn't feel like he had to be here.
"Just most of it, then?" said Brock. When he bumped Jared's knee in return, Jared's breath unexpectedly caught, just for that moment.
"Just most of it," agreed Jared, and turned a tiny smile on him. "I don't know why I'm out here today. I guess sometimes things just get to me a little."
"There's nothing wrong with that," said Brock. "Man, I was starting to think nothing ever got to you. You're that guy with a smile for everyone, you know? It's hard to get inside your head, Jared."
"You're kidding, right?" said Jared. "But it's so obvious what I’m thinking, all the time. Everybody can tell."
"Maybe you think everybody can tell, but you're pretty good at keeping the sad parts inside, I think," said Brock. "Who knows what else you're keeping inside?"
"A few things, maybe," said Jared, but he was still convinced that he wore his heart on his sleeve. It was one of the things that had made his life so far both easier and harder. "I just like to look on the bright side, you know? I like to see the good in places. I don't usually complain like this."
"You're not complaining," said Brock. "Actually, I kind of like it. It's like I get to see something that nobody else does, you know? One of the little pieces of you that you usually keep to yourself."
"I don't mind if you see those parts of me," said Jared softly, turning his head to really look at him, in time to see Brock lick his lips again. "Maybe I don't want everybody to see, but I don't mind if you do."
Brock looked away and Jared's heart fell into his stomach a little, even though he wasn't entirely sure why. It wasn't like he'd been promised anything. It wasn't like he was even expecting anything. But he was looking, really looking, and he wanted Brock to be looking back. Brock kept looking away, blew out his last lungful of smoke and stubbed out his cigarette on the concrete step, tucking half away for later.
Then he turned back, murmured "I hope to hell I'm reading this right," and pressed his lips briefly to Jared's.
"Oh," said Jared softly when Brock leaned back again, his eyes wide and staring. His heart was definitely beating again, harder and faster and a whole lot livelier. "Oh."
Brock was staring back, maybe not as wide-eyed but definitely staring. "You don't have to... I don't want to have to apologise for that, but you don't have to say yes."
"Just give me a second," said Jared, bringing his fingers up to his lips, brushing his bottom lip softly. "I don't... I've never. I'm not saying no."
"I don't know what that means," admitted Brock. "I should've... should I have said something? Do we need to say something? Can I do it again?"
"I...." Jared looked around, but they were alone on the steps, everyone else having the sense to stay in out of the rain. "You should do it again."
Brock smiled, a grin that was just genuine, not cocky at all, and kissed him again, this time a little longer and a little wetter.
"I thought maybe you might want to," he said after, not giving Jared a chance to say anything this time. "I knew I wanted to, I've wanted to practically since we met, but I didn't know if you... I thought maybe. When there wasn't somebody else even though girls practically throw themselves at you, I thought maybe."
"Wait, do they?" said Jared. "Throw themselves at me."
"No, never," said Brock quickly. "Not at all. Forget I said anything."
Jared smacked him, then let his hand linger. "Do they really? I never... I guess I hadn't figured out how to notice. Lame, huh? Hard to believe I’m seventeen."
"No, I definitely believe you're seventeen," said Brock, "and maybe you never noticed because they weren't your type. You noticed me, right?"
"Yeah, I noticed you," said Jared. He'd noticed him long before the kiss on the steps, even if he hadn't been sure, hadn't known how to read all the signs. At least he'd figured out that there were signs.
And if Brock wasn't the only person he'd noticed, he didn't have to mention that now. It didn't matter now.
"You taste like smoke."
Brock just laughed and hung his head. "I kiss you for the first time and you tell me I taste like smoke?"
"Well, you do," said Jared. "We'll have to try it different, next time."
"Next time?" said Brock, bumping his knee against Jared's one last time.
"Yeah, next time," said Jared, grinning at his knees. He wasn't sure if the whole world suddenly made more sense or less, but whichever it was, it felt pretty good. "For now, come on. We need to get to class."
:::
The truth was, Jared didn't really have anyone else to talk to about stuff like this. His friends here were all school friends, casual friends, and he couldn't just call Chad up out of the blue and talk to him about this. Despite how prickly Jensen still was, he'd turned into a good friend; Jared was used to the prickles. So finally, after a lot of lying in bed and staring at the ceiling, he got up and found his way into Jensen's room.
"I want to tell you something," he said. "And you have to... I just want to tell somebody. I just want to tell you."
"Isn't it a bit late for you to be wandering the house?"
"I couldn't sleep," said Jared. "I just kept thinking about telling you."
"God, I hope it wasn't illegal," said Jensen.
"No," said Jared, laughing nervously. Better to just get it out there. "I, um. I think I have a boyfriend."
He was expecting some sort of reaction, for better or for worse. Something. Anything. What he didn't expect was the blank stare that Jensen gave him. And he definitely didn't expect Jensen to stand up and just leave.
"Jensen?" he called after him, softly, but there was no answer; he was already long gone. "Fuck," he muttered. "Fuck, fuck, fuck." He figured Jensen would probably be surprised, and maybe have some questions, but this? He'd never thought Jensen would ultimately not be okay with it, and now that he was, he didn't know what to do about it.
It wasn't really... Jared wasn't really freaking out about being into a guy. Okay, it was a little different, a little out of left field, but mostly because he'd never really thought about it before. It wasn't some panicky thing. But he had a boyfriend. Sort of. Maybe. And he thought he could talk about that with the one person who had pretty much become the one person he told everything to.
Only it turned out he couldn't tell everything to him after all.
He wasn't sure what he was supposed to do about it now, but he was pretty sure the one thing he was not supposed to do was follow wherever Jensen had gone. Whatever he was thinking, and whatever it was it probably wasn't good things, he needed to do it without Jared in his face.
But he did need to get out of Jensen's room so he slowly made his way back down the hall to his own, and when that started to feel awkward and confining, he grabbed his laptop and went downstairs to the family room, curling up on the corner of the couch and starting an email to Chad. Not about his boyfriend, but catching him up on everything else that had gone on in his life since the last time he'd written.
He wasn't so caught up in it, though, that he didn't notice the moment Jensen came into the room, pausing uncertainly in the doorway and obviously waiting for Jared to look up and acknowledge him, or send him away.
Jared did look up, but he didn't say anything. He wasn't sure what he could say.
"I gave you the wrong idea," said Jensen. "And I need to set the record straight. I just didn't know how to--"
"You made yourself pretty clear."
"No, I didn't," said Jensen. "Jared, I don't leave the house anymore because I was attacked for being gay. I'm not disgusted, I'm terrified for you."
Jared opened his mouth to say something but no words came out. After all this time dancing around the subject, there it finally was, out in the open, and it wasn't anything Jared had been expecting to hear.
"You don't need to be... I mean...."
"No, don't," said Jensen, hushing him with one motion of his hand. "Just stop. Please don't tell me I don't need to be terrified, because you don't know. I have every reason to be terrified. You have no idea."
No, Jared didn't, but they both knew why that was. "I like him, Jensen," he said. "He's my friend. He's been my friend since I got here. Nothing's going to... I mean. I don't even know if I'm gay. I just have a boyfriend."
"Sometimes that doesn't really matter."
"I don't understand," said Jared. "That kind of thing... it doesn't happen here."
"Obviously it does," said Jensen. "Google it, Jared, it's not that hard to find if you really want to know all the sordid details. It was news."
"I don't want to look it up," said Jared. If he wanted to look it up, he could've done that a long time ago. "I want you to tell me, Jensen. I want you to tell me because you want me to know, because I'm your friend."
"I can't... I had a boyfriend, and I thought we were in love, but we weren't. I was in the hospital for a long time." The words came out halting, each sentence fragmented when Jensen finally got it out. "He turned on me. He and his friends turned on me."
It was such an ugly idea, an ugly thing to have happened to anyone, let alone someone who Jared cared about as much as he did Jensen.
"I'm sorry," he said, knowing the words were inadequate but not having any others to offer that were even remotely appropriate. "I know you don't... that's not what's happening here. That's not what it's like with me and Brock."
"Yeah, I know," said Jensen. "And I know what happened to me was... a rare thing. I know it sounds surreal, like something that doesn't really happen to real people in a place like this anymore. But it still happened. To me. And I can't just forget that it did."
"No, I know," said Jared. "I don't know if I ever could either. I didn't know."
"You could've, though," said Jensen, curious now, slowly entering the room and sitting down nearby. "You could've found out from probably a dozen people. You could've found out from my parents. I always thought you would."
Jared shrugged. "I wanted to know," he said. "But I figured it was your story, you know? It was your choice whether to trust me with it or not."
"Like it was your choice to trust me with your relationship with Brock," said Jensen, "and I went and freaked you out."
"I'm not freaked out." Jensen just gave him a look. "Okay, you freaked me out a little, but it's okay now. I mean, I get it. As much as I can get it. You can... if you ever wanted to, you could...."
"Talk about it?"
"Yeah."
"I'll keep that in mind," said Jensen. "And if you want to talk about your boyfriend, that's okay too."
"Maybe later," said Jared, even though he ached to have someone to talk to about it. Jensen was clearly still a little jittery, and Jared, Jared wanted to give himself a little time to work in one important and overlooked fact that had come to light in the middle of all this: Jensen liked guys too. Jensen would understand. "How about some Grand Theft Auto instead?"
"You're on."
:::
Once Jensen opened the door to the subject, Jared didn't feel quite as reluctant anymore to broach it with someone else. Not Jensen's parents - Jared knew he always could have, but he felt like he didn't know them well enough, and that maybe they didn't know their son well enough either - but there were other people who'd known the family during that time too.
Jared had been helping Jim out in the garden almost since he arrived - there wasn't much of a garden to be had during the winter months, but there was tending and cleaning to be done all the same - so it wasn't out of the ordinary to join Jim out there when he was fixing the door on the garden shed.
"Jensen told me," he said, without preamble. Jim was a man with whom Jared never really had to beat around the bush. "About what happened to him."
"Did he, now," said Jim, hesitating for a moment but not stopping his work. "And just what did he tell you?"
"That he had a boyfriend," said Jared, resting his shoulder against the shed. "And that things... went bad. Jensen got hurt. They hurt him because he was gay."
And for all his reassurances to Jensen that things weren't usually like that, spelling it out like that gave Jared a bit of a chill.
"That's a pretty small part of a larger story," said Jim after a moment when Jared didn't have anything to elaborate with. He turned the screwdriver a few times, securing the hinge, then looked up at Jared. "That's all he told you?"
"I didn't push," admitted Jared. "I figured there would be time for that."
Jim nodded, tested the hinge, then finally stood up again. "Jensen's knows it wasn't all him," he said slowly, considering each word, "but it's all tangled up in his head."
"Can you tell me what really happened then? Because the way Jensen tells it...."
"I'd've been surprised if Jensen had told you much beyond the bare bones of it," said Jim with a heavy sigh. "The boys who attacked him, they used his sexuality, his relationship, as an excuse, but the truth is they were former students of his father's who'd been expelled for cheating. One of them seduced Jensen, found his weak spots, then brought the others in. They were getting back at Professor Ackles and Jensen was too easy a target."
"So it wasn't because he was gay."
"I'm sure those boys did have some prejudice in them, but it wasn't the reason for the attack, it was the excuse for it."
"And Jensen knows this?"
"Everyone knows it," said Jim, "but that doesn't make it any easier for him."
"I know he's talked to a lot of people about it," said Jared. "At least, he mentions that a lot of therapists have come and gone in the past few years. None of that helped?"
"That's not something I can answer for you," said Jim. "Whatever Jensen needs, it's not something he's gotten yet. That's about all I can say."
"So you don't think that it's something that doctors can make better?" said Jared, though even as he asked, he realised that he didn't really think that either. In a lot of ways, there wasn't anything wrong with Jensen. Except in how there really, really was.
"I think that the thing that's going to make Jensen better is figuring out what the problem is, and doctors can help with that but the only one that can do it is Jensen. Now, you want to help me sort bulbs?"
"Sure," said Jared, and though he considered that a close to the conversation, the subject was wide open now, and Jared had a lot of thinking to do. "I, um."
"Was there something else?" asked Jim as he opened the newly rehinged shed door and switched on the light, a bare bulb dangling close to the ceiling.
"I have a boyfriend," Jared blurted out. Jim didn't really need to know that, and would never have asked, but it somehow seemed... relevant. "I think. No, I do."
Jim smiled at him, something genuine and warm. "I'm guessing you told Jensen that." After all, it didn't take much to put two and two together there. "Does he make you happy?"
"He makes me a lot of things," said Jared, smiling back. "I just thought I should... I mean, obviously that's why. Jensen said anything."
"With you, Jared, I'm pretty sure he would've said something eventually anyway," said Jim, an unsolicited vote of confidence. From him, above anyone else, Jared could believe it was nothing but honest. "Now let me show you what I've picked up for the spring."
:::
Finding someone who wanted to touch him and hold him and kiss him and listen to him when his day was rough didn't get rid of the ache for home that Jared held in him day after day after day. If anything, it just made him more aware of it, of how simple things were there and how simple they weren't, here in the city.
And knowing about Jensen now, knowing a little bit about what kept him from venturing out into the world, that changed things too.
"So how's your boyfriend today?" said Jensen, hovering at Jared's bedroom door and looking down at where Jared was sprawled across his bed. "You aren't over at his place?"
"I don't go over there every day," said Jared, though lately it had been pretty often, he had to admit. He just didn't go for very long at a time. "He's out of town this weekend anyway."
"You know, you're allowed to bring him over here," said Jensen. "You're allowed to bring people over here."
"I'm kind of not," said Jared, awkward and reluctant to admit that. "I wouldn't anyway. It would just feel weird. I mean, I know I live here and all, but--"
"But it wouldn't be like bringing them home," finished Jensen. "Because you think of this like a stranger's house."
"I think of it like your house," said Jared, "and it would be weird for me to bring other people into it." And it had been suggested to him that while making friends was important, and building a network was part of why going to the Whytecliff School was important, bringing them home to compete with Jensen might not be the best idea. "Would you even want me to?"
Jensen shrugged, trying to portray indifference, but Jared saw him tense up too. It wasn't the physical world he was hiding from, after all. It wasn't the open spaces and the fresh air and the birds and the sidewalks and the stoplights. It was the people.
"Out there I spend time with them, and in here I spend time with you," said Jared, and as complicated as the whole situation was, it really did boil down to something as simple as that.
"Must be nice," said Jensen. The words could have meant a lot of things, and Jared didn't ask what.
"It's not like this up on the mountain," he said, lacing his hands behind his head and looking up at the ceiling.
"Oh yeah?" said Jensen. "Land of milk and honey, is it? Everyone hold hands and sing kumbaya, fairies dancing through the meadows?"
"Do you always have to be like that?" said Jared.
"Like what?" said Jensen. "Living in the real world? Yeah, I guess I do. There's no magical place that's going to make everything better, Jared. It can't take away what happened."
"Yeah, I know, nothing can. But it's got to be better than this."
"You don't know what you're talking about," said Jensen. "Everyone thinks I should go back out there again, but why? Why should I? All that's out there is pain, and violence, and idiocy, and more pain."
"You don't really think that."
"You don't know what I think."
"You don't really think that, because when I talk about my day, you hang on every word of it, Jensen. No matter what I'm talking about. You miss the world outside this house. And yeah, I know sometimes it sucks. You think my life hasn't sucked? Most of it I never even had a home. But you shut yourself up in here and you miss all the good stuff too."
"I've got enough good stuff in here."
"Sure it's fine, but how can it be enough?" said Jared. "Sometimes in life you get hurt, Jensen. It sucks, but it happens. But a lot of times you don't and those times are pretty awesome."
"Wow," said Jensen. "Wow, I never thought I'd get that speech from you of all people."
"Why?" said Jared. "I want you to know, Jensen. The world is a fucking amazing place. It's an amazing place where shitty thing sometimes happen, sure. There's war and there's poverty and I knew a kid once who almost starved to death. And there are hate crimes. And revenge crimes. I know that. I'm not naïve. But I want you to see the rest again, too."
"I see it, Jared," he said. "I have a television. I have the internet. I have you. I know what's out there. It's just... not for me anymore."
Jared sighed and moved over a little so that Jensen could lie down on the bed next to him. Even though the invitation was less than subtle, he didn't expect Jensen to take it. But he did, hesitating only a moment before stretching out on his back and looking up at the ceiling.
"Tell me some more good stuff," he said, and closed his eyes.
:::
It didn't last. Somehow, in the back of his head, Jared had known it wouldn't. But that didn't mean it didn't suck when he met Brock for lunch out by the bleachers expecting a little bit of alone time and ended up getting dumped instead. Brock left and Jared stayed, eating his lunch without tasting it and sleepwalking through the rest of his classes until he could come home again.
Jensen set a bowl of ice cream on top of Jared's homework before he even asked what was wrong.
"Food can't fix everything," said Jared, toying with the spoon.
"Since when?" said Jensen. "It always fixed everything for you before. You hear from your aunt or something?
"No," said Jared, sighing and letting the spoon fall against the bowl with a soft, wet clank. "Brock dumped me."
"Brock dumped you?" said Jensen. His voice was quiet, his incredulity sincere. "I don't get it."
"Yeah, well, I guess he got back together with his old boyfriend," said Jared. "Or something. I didn't even know he had an old boyfriend, no one ever said anything. So I was a rebound, or whatever. It pretty much just sucks."
"So it was... just regular stupid teenage stuff?"
Jared frowned at him. "That doesn't mean I'm not allowed to be upset about it."
"No, of course not," said Jensen quickly. "It's just... he didn't, I don't know, decide he's not gay anymore or something?"
"What? No," said Jared. "He just didn't want me."
"Huh," said Jensen, sitting awkwardly for a few moments and then putting an arm around Jared's shoulders. "Are you sure ice cream isn't going to help?"
Jared let out a sound that was half laugh and half sob. "It might help a little," he admitted. "If there's a lot of it."
"There's more where that came from," Jensen promised him. "I know where Mom keeps her secret stash. We won't run out of ice cream until your stomach explodes."
"You kid, but I bet I could eat most of it," said Jared, finally picking at the bowl he was offered. As soon as his stomach stopped turning somersaults, anyway. "Can we order pizza for dinner tonight too? And wings?"
"Sure, whatever you want," said Jensen. "You want me to put on a movie where shit blows up, too?"
"Yes," said Jared, pointing at the television with his spoon. "Yes, that is exactly what I want. High body count, Jensen, I want a massive body count."
"And you know, if you wanted to talk--"
"Massive body count."
"All right then," said Jensen, "I'm pretty sure that can be arranged."
Jared shoved another spoonful of ice cream in his mouth. "And he could at least have waited until we had sex," he mumbled around it.
"Yeah, you say that now," said Jensen, without so much as a snicker at Jared's embarrassment, "but you'll be glad later."
"Did you?" Jared asked, regretting it the moment the words were out of his mouth. But Jensen didn't shut down and he didn't go away.
"No," he said finally. "I guess cause my boyfriend wasn't actually into guys." Jared was a little scared to ask anything else, so he just let that statement hang in the air for a few minutes. "I’m gonna grab that movie now."
"Yeah, okay," said Jared, and ate another mouthful of the ice cream. It still stung, all of it, everything that Brock had said and done even though none of it was mean. But hanging out with Jensen, who maybe understood in some ways, that actually did make it better. A little.
:::
Jared took the long way home from school for once, getting off the bus several blocks earlier than he had to and heading down the side streets, passing shops that he never really got a chance to see. Jared wasn't always expected to be home right after school, after all - he already spent time at drama club and debate club, and sometimes Katie's house - but he didn't usually take time after school for just him.
At this hour of the afternoon the streets weren't as busy as they were during the lunch hour, or later on in the evening when people began to get off work. Jared strolled leisurely down the sidewalk, peering in shop windows and smiling at the people he passed. When he passed a pet store, though, he couldn't help but stop and, when looking at the animals through the window proved not to be enough, slip inside the store for a few moments.
He couldn't afford to buy any of the animals in the store, of course; these were purebreds, raised for a population that could indulge in that kind of thing. But that didn't make them any less appealing to him.
"Hello kitties," he said. He knew perfectly well that the cutest baby animals were kept at the front of the store to draw people in, but he wasn't ashamed that it worked on him. "Hello puppies!"
"I see we have an animal lover."
Jared looked sheepishly back over his shoulder. "They looked like they could use some company?" he offered.
"They could use some company, or you could?" she said with a kind smile. "They're--"
"No, don't tell me," Jared interrupted her. "You're going to tell me what breed they are and how awesome they are and I'm going to want one more than anything and there's no way I can afford it."
She just smiled again and nodded. "They seem to like you," she said instead of giving him her sales pitch.
"We had two dogs back home," said Jared. "Bisou and Sadie. I miss them like you wouldn't believe."
"You didn't bring them with you?"
"I'm just here for school," said Jared. "They don't belong in a city anyway. They'd be miserable cooped up here with nowhere to run and play."
"It's a good thing they have a home somewhere else then," she said, "even if you can't be with them."
"I keep telling myself it's just a few more months," said Jared, reaching down to pet one of the puppies in spite of his resolve not to get attached. "It helps a little sometimes. Not much, but a little."
"Sounds like you're pretty miserable being cooped up in a city, too," she said, seeing through him more easily than most. But then, people who worked with animals often read other people better than most.
"I spent most of my life in cities," he admitted, "but I guess I always knew it wasn't for me. Do they have names?"
"Do you really want to know?" she said.
Jared hesitated, then shook his head. "No, I'd better not," he said. "You're not going to have any trouble finding homes for these, right?"
"Not the slightest bit," she promised him. "You know, pet stores aren't the only places with animals that need homes."
"I know," said Jared, "but the shelters require a lot of paperwork and promises that I can't give them. I'm only seventeen."
"No, you're right," she said, reaching into her pocket for a pen, then onto the counter for a scrap of paper, "but a friend of mine has a litter that she just weaned. They're not purebreds, and they're probably going to be a lot bigger than most apartment-dwellers want."
"Oh no," said Jared, but he was smiling even as he shook his head. "You're going to tell me where to get a puppy and I'm not going to be able to help myself and then what am I going to do?"
"Give a good home to a dog that really needs it," she said, handing him the paper with the number and the address. "I know good people when I see them, and I can tell you're good people. That's my friend Annie's number. Tell her Sandy sent you."
"I will," said Jared, and he already knew it was going to be his next stop on the way home. It wasn't even that far away. "I'm not sure whether I should thank you or curse you."
"You'll thank me when you see them," she said. "Just promise me they'll be loved."
"I don't think that's going to be a problem," said Jared, putting the paper safely in his pocket. "I'm, um, I'm Jared. Thank you, Sandy. I wouldn't have... maybe this'll help."
"Maybe it'll help you both."
:::
"What's that sound?"
"What sound?" said Jared, eating his sandwich and pretending there wasn't a faint whimpering and scuffling coming from his coat pocket. "What, can you hear my chewing? I'll try to keep my mouth closed."
"No, not that," said Jensen. "Well, okay, that too - gross, by the way - but there's something else."
He stalked around the table to lurk at Jared's side, giving him a suspicious look.
"All right, all right, just let me finish eating first," said Jared, downing his sandwich in two bites and licking his fingers while Jensen waited. "Promise you won't be mad?"
"I never promise I won't be mad."
"Okay," said Jared, biting his lip and looking down at his pocket. The puppy decided right then to take the decision out of Jared's hands, poking his little nose out through the flap.
"My mother's going to kill you," said Jensen. "Jared, she's going to kill you."
"Do you think we could just not tell her?" said Jared. "I mean, she's not even going to be home for another couple of weeks. Maybe she won't notice."
"You think my mother's not going to notice a dog?" said Jensen, moving hesitant fingers closer to the animal. "That's wishful thinking."
"It's not a big dog," protested Jared. "Like, just a puppy. We could hide him."
Jensen started laughing, finally letting the tiny nose poke at his fingers. "Oh my God, Jared, I can't believe you came home with a dog."
"Puppies need homes too," said Jared, softly and trying not to sound quite as pathetic about that as he sometimes felt. "Jeff has two dogs--"
"Bisou and Sadie, I know," said Jensen, finally reaching right into Jared's pocket to pluck the puppy out of it. "And who's this?"
"His name's Harley," said Jared, looking up and grinning at the way Jensen cuddled the puppy to his chest unselfconsciously.
"Harley like the bike?"
"I don't know," admitted Jared. "Probably? He was already named when I got him. His brothers and sisters were all already gone; he was the last one left."
"Jared Padalecki, rescuer of flowers and puppies," said Jensen. "What are we going to do with a puppy?"
"Play with him?" suggested Jared. "And feed him and take him for walks--"
"That's your department, just so you know."
"--and... do dog things. You like dogs, right? You always said you liked dogs."
"I've never even had a dog before," said Jensen, but he was excited, Jared could see it, for once acting more like an eleven-year-old than a twenty-one-year-old. "How old is he?"
"Almost ten weeks," said Jared, "but he was the smallest to start out with. Annie says he'll get pretty big, but not for a while. I told her you had a yard, a big yard, so he wasn't going to be cooped up inside all the time."
"I can't believe you just brought home a dog," said Jensen. "The way you'd bring home, like, a book. That's crazy. That's something crazy people do."
"Books are harder to cuddle," said Jared, but he had a feeling he wasn't going to be the one who got to cuddle the dog. He thought he was getting the puppy for himself, to not feel quite so homesick or lonely, but maybe there was someone else in the house who needed him even more.
:::
They only left the door open a crack, kneeling on the floor and rolling a ball around so Harley could chase after it, but he still spotted the tiny pathway to freedom and wriggled his way out before anyone could stop him.
"Shit," said Jensen, slobbery orange ball in his hand. "Could you...?"
"Sure," said Jared, pushing himself up off the floor and slipping out into the backyard after Harley. "Hey, boy. Hey, Harley, did you find something interesting out here?"
The rapidly-growing pup had already sniffed his way around the bench and the nearest tree and was heading straight for Jim's garden shed.
"Okay, well, I guess we can give you a little more time to claim some territory," said Jared, standing back while he yipped and circled. Eventually Harley would probably just do his business and head back to him anyway, and waiting it out on the garden path sure beat chasing the guy around all over the place.
It was sort of easy to lose track of time when his eyes were busy following Harley all over the big yard, though, and it didn't seem long at all before he heard a quiet voice calling, "Jared?" from behind him.
He turned around expecting to see Jensen standing just inside the doorway, but he wasn't in the doorway. Jensen was standing just a couple of feet behind him.
"Uh, hi," said Jared, standing right where he was and unable to resist staring. Jensen looked as amazing in sunlight as Jared had always known he would.
"Hi," said Jensen, and tilted his head back and stared up at the sky.
Jared didn't think it was coincidence that Harley chose that moment to come flying back across the yard towards them, running a few circles around Jensen's ankles before hovering near the back door. Jensen chewed on his lip for a few moments, then gave Jared an unreadable look before turning back towards the house.
"You coming back inside?" he said, following Harley.
"Yeah, I guess," said Jared, even though that was the last thing he wanted to say. He wanted to ask Jensen to stay, to play with Harley, to play catch and look at the first sprouts of the garden and go with him everywhere. "You left the ball inside."
Jensen nodded, and reached out to tug Jared's sleeve to come with him. "You're worse than the puppy," he said as Jared reluctantly let himself be drawn back inside.
It was something, though. It was something he'd started to think he wouldn't be here long enough to see.
:::
It had stopped being awkward a while ago, but Jared still stared at anything but his friends when Brock mentioned Travis, and he didn't pretend his friends didn't notice. It wasn't a big thing, though, not really. People dated sometimes. It was just what they did.
It was normal.
"Hey, did you finish the backdrops?" said Brock, giving him a little nudge. "I can't wait to see them."
"They haven't finished painting them yet," said Jared, passing the nudge along to Aldis. "But that's totally not my department."
"I still don't know how you guys roped me into this," he said, stabbing his spoon into his pudding. "I am very sure that at the beginning of this year I told you I was not getting involved."
"That's what you always say," said Katie, "but we know you better than that."
"All I'm saying is at least one of you better be showing up at my tournament next weekend," he said.
"You know we're all going to be there," said Jared. "Even though we already know you're going to win."
"Yeah, if Jared can be convinced to leave his beloved Jensen for that long, I'm sure we all can make it," said Genny, innocently stealing both Aldis's spoon and a mouthful of his dessert.
"Hey," said Jared, "Hey, you know it's not like that."
"Not like what?" said Genny. "Come on, tell us what it's not like, Jared."
"He's like... my brother or something," he said, though the word made him feel squirmy, knowing brother definitely wasn't the way he thought of him, no matter how closely they lived together. "And he's not going to care if I'm gone for most of the weekend. I go out with you guys all the time."
"Yeah, sure, to the movies and stuff," said Katie. "But nothing like this. Are you even allowed?
"Of course I’m allowed!" said Jared. "You guys know it's not like that. I just have responsibilities. They're doing this amazing thing for me, so I have to do something amazing for them, too, to make an even deal."
Except that wasn't right, not really. It was accurate, in a way, but it wasn't what he and Jensen had. Maybe his friendship with Jensen was something that had been preordained from the moment his aunt had made the deal, but that didn't mean it wasn't something real. That didn't mean it wasn't something Jared valued.
"As long as it means you're coming to my tournament, I don't really care," said Aldis. "I'm painting that damn backdrop so y'all can watch me kick some ass in return."
"Drama club looks good on your college applications anyway," said Brock. "Kung fu just makes you look weird."
"Kung Fu'll make you look weird," muttered Aldis. "I got my last application in yesterday. I don't think I'll get into Queen's but I figured I'd give it a shot anyway."
"Like you'd ever move to Ontario," scoffed Brock. "You'd wither up and die."
"You never know. University's a whole new ball game," said Aldis. "Hey Jared, I was thinking, if you applied to UBC would they waive tuition for you? You know, because of Professor Ackles?"
"I'm pretty sure that's just for actual children," said Jared. "Besides, I didn't apply. I didn't apply anywhere."
"You seriously didn't?" said Katie. "Really? I thought you were kidding about that."
Jared shook his head, unable to resist smiling at her expression. "Taking a year off isn't that weird," he said. "Okay, at this school it's a little weird, but normal people do it all the time."
"You should've applied and then just deferred entrance," said Genny. "Then you wouldn’t have to worry about it."
"Applied where?" said Jared. "I don't even know what I want to do. Besides, as far as I can tell I'm the only one not worrying about it right now."
"Slacker," said Brock, but Jared knew fondness in Brock's voice when he heard it, even though it was different now than it had once been. "You know a year off doesn't mean you get to sit around by the pool all day, right?"
"Because you know that's what I do when I'm at the house now, right?" said Jared, rolling his eyes at all of them. Though if the pool had been indoors, he couldn't say he wouldn't have. "Are you all finished sending your applications in? Already?"
"Not me," said Genny. "I've got a few more decisions to make."
"Yeah, like which prestigious university will want you more," said Aldis. "I though you already had scholarship offers?"
"Yeah, but I'm not sure I want to go to school in the states," she said, "even if they want to offer me a full athletic scholarship. Playing hockey's not everything, you know?"
"Shh, don't say that too loud," said Brock. "Even around here I think you'd find more than a few people who'd disagree."
It was sort of an alien conversation to Jared, making decisions he really wasn't thinking about yet, but then the decisions he'd had to make for himself were probably just as alien to them. A year off didn't feel like a luxury, it felt like a necessity, even though he didn't have any idea what he wanted to do.
The only thing he knew for sure was that he wanted to go home.
:::
Jared didn't know when the nightmares started. It had probably been a while, because he'd never felt as rested in the city as he'd felt up on the mountain, but he only started remembering them after his split with Brock. Insidious, dark nightmares where he was trapped here forever, in a room with no windows, dead eyes and pale skin behind a too-large desk.
He thought it was just his personal burden until one morning at breakfast he saw Jensen looking as tired as he felt. Which wasn't entirely unusual, with Jensen, but then he mumbled something about Jared keeping him up and Jared flushed and excused himself from the table.
He tried harder after that, but you couldn't just will nightmares away, no matter how much you wanted to. And talking about what he was dreaming about just seemed to make them come on stronger.
When Mr. Ackles asked Jared into his office for a talk, Jared already knew exactly what it was about.
"Maybe there's some kind of... soundproofing we could put up," he said pre-emptively, before Mr. Ackles even had a chance to say a word. "I don't mean to keep people up."
"Of course you don't," he said kindly. "It's not your fault, Jared. But that doesn't change the fact that we obviously have a problem here."
"I'm sorry," said Jared. "I don't know what to do."
"Do you want to go home?"
"I...." The question was so startling that Jared couldn't even think of an answer to it at first.
"Jensen's told me a little bit about what you're dreaming about," he went on, holding up a hand to forestall any kind of betrayed reaction. "Not a lot, just enough for me to know what's going on. It's normal for someone your age to feel a lot of stress about the future, and someone in your situation even more so."
"I do miss it," said Jared. "I didn't know how much I would miss it until I was here."
"If it means that much to you, we'll make the arrangements," said Mr. Ackles. "You're not trapped here, Jared. You're not a prisoner, to us or to anyone else."
"Aunt Sam wouldn't be happy if I left," said Jared, shaking his head.
"You let me deal with your Aunt Sam," he said.
Jared looked back over his shoulder towards the stairs. "Jensen wouldn't be happy if I left either."
"No," agreed Mr. Ackles. "No, he wouldn't."
"And it would put me behind with my school."
"Your teachers all say you're an excellent student, with some minor concentration issues," he said. "They're disappointed you didn't apply to any universities. I have to say I'm a little surprised too."
"It doesn't mean I’m not going," said Jared quickly. "I just want a little time first, to do what I want."
"I suppose I can't blame you for that," he admitted. "I believe your aunt might have misrepresented your situation somewhat when she made the arrangements with us."
"Yeah, she does that," said Jared wryly. "I think her heart was in the right place, though."
"But you obviously wouldn't have jumped at this opportunity if it hadn't been force fed to you," said Mr. Ackles. Jared didn't think he could really understand, but at least he was trying, and that meant a lot. "You've fit in well, Jared, but if you want to go home... we'll make it happen for you. No one ever wanted you to be miserable."
Jared thought about it, about packing his things and saying goodbye to his friends and being back in Jeff's cabin by dinnertime. And it felt good, he felt warm and safe inside at the thought of being back in a place he loved, with people who loved him. But at the same time, he wasn't a kid. He wasn't the one who'd made the arrangement here, but since being here he'd made some implicit promises of his own. To Jensen, to be there for him, to his friends to see them through their ups and downs this year, and to himself to finish out his final year of high school the best he could.
"It's only a couple months to the end of the school year," he said finally. "It'll be okay. I'll be okay. I'll stay till I'm finished."
Mr. Ackles smiled at him and gave him a paternal pat on the shoulder. "I meant everything I said," he said, "but I'm still glad you've decided to stay. We'll just have to work on those nightmares. I'm guessing nothing anyone could say, though, could convince you to stay longer."
Jared would stay to the end of the year, but he couldn't bear it any longer than that. From now until then, he would be counting the days until he could go home again.
:::
"Jared?" said Chad. "Jared who? I don't think I know anyone named Jared."
"Shut up," said Jared, trying not to laugh.
"I used to know a Jared, but I haven't heard from him in ages. I think he might have run off to join a cult. Or maybe he fell off the coast and drowned, it's hard to say."
"It hasn't been that long," said Jared. "I emailed you last week."
"That could've been anyone," said Chad ominously. "Your new family could've buried your body in the basement and hacked into your email account to cover it up."
"If I promise I'm not buried in the basement, will you acknowledge that I'm probably alive and talking to you right now?"
"Maybe if you pinky swear," said Chad. "Or say scout's honour or something. Were you ever even a scout?"
"Never," said Jared, "but I promise you can trust my word anyway. I know I haven't talked to you in ages, I just...."
"This is going to be one of those weepy conversations, isn't it," said Chad, muffling the phone with one hand as he called out, "someone wanna bring me some kleenex? I think I might have some feelings coming on."
"God you're a jerk," laughed Jared. "I miss you."
"You wouldn't have to miss me if you'd stayed," said Chad, but though he said it every time he called, they'd long ago come to terms with the separation. "So what's wrong? What made you need to hear the lovely, cheerful tones of my voice today?"
"I don't know," said Jared. "I think it's getting harder, being here. A year is longer than I thought."
"Probably because you've never stayed a whole year in one place before," said Chad. "Are you sure I can't push your aunt off the mountain?"
"For you to do that she'd have to come back up the mountain again," said Jared, "and I'm willing to bet she's not going to be doing that. Ever."
"Not even to bring you home?" said Chad. "That's cold, Jared."
"I'm not going to ask her to," said Jared. "I'll make my own way home. So hey, how's Jeff? You've seen him, right?"
"Course I have," said Chad. "Jeff's... Jeff. He's quiet. You know, you could call him yourself and ask."
"You think Jeff's quiet in person? You should hear him on the phone," said Jared. "It's always just awkward, talking to him. He wants me back, though, right?"
"Of course he wants you back," said Chad. "Every time I see him I think he's halfway to his truck to come racing down there to kidnap you. Don't be stupid, Jared, you're the best thing to ever happen to Jeff Morgan and everybody knows it."
"And then I left," said Jared with a sigh, still feeling the burden of responsibility for that even though it had never been his choice, and would never have been his choice. "But I'll be back soon. As soon as school lets out."
"Your aunt's not going to stop you, is she?" said Chad. "You won't be quite eighteen."
"I'll be three weeks from me eighteenth birthday and a high school graduate," said Jared. "She's not going to bother, Chad. I know her. From the moment she placed me with the Ackles family for the year, I think she felt like her job was finally done."
"So she's not going to come to your graduation, huh?"
"I'm not even sure I'm going to my graduation," said Jared. "She'll probably send a present, though. That's the kind of thing she would do. It looks good."
"You're absolutely, positively sure I can't push her off a mountain? I'm not even picky about which mountain. If she's over in Europe, I'm sure there's a nearby Alp that'll do."
"She's all right," said Jared. "She just has her own stuff going on. Maybe we'll even get along better, once we're both adults."
"You're not holding your breath about that, right?" said Chad. "Because as your best friend I'd have to break it to you that that's just not going to happen, and then I'd feel like a dick and who wants that, right?"
"No, I'm not holding my breath," admitted Jared. "But it could happen. Once she doesn't feel responsibility for me... maybe she'll see who I really am."
"Wouldn't hold your breath about that either," said Chad. "Besides, who needs her when you've got Jeff? If you guys don't talk then you should email him again or something. It makes him happy."
"Yeah?" said Jared.
"Duh," said Chad. "Of course it does. I've never seen him take to anybody like he took to you, Jared, and now you're just fishing for compliments so I'm going to stop." The receiver was muffled again, and Jared heard a bellowed, "Just a minute!" before Chad came back on the line clearly again. "I've got to go. You're not going to wait years before calling again, are you?"
"Shut up," said Jared. "It wasn't years. I'll call next weekend, all right?"
"All right," said Chad. "You'd better. Everyone wants to know how you are. You know that, right? Jeff's not the only guy who misses you."
"Yeah," said Jared, his voice unexpectedly catching for a moment. "Yeah, I know that now. Talk to you later, Chad."
"Yeah, you will," said Chad, and apparently that was the only goodbye that Jared was going to get out of him, because the call went dead a moment later.
It was just what he needed, though. A few minutes with his best friend to remind him what he had waiting, when this year was finally over.
The only problem was, making his way to Jensen's room after made him remember what he'd be leaving behind.
:::
Jensen was in the back yard playing with Harley when his mother came home from her business trip.
"Oh my God," she said, dropping her briefcase on the dining room table and heading straight through the room to the French doors.
"We got a dog," said Jared, hanging back with his hands in his pockets. "I hope that's okay."
"That's... of course that's okay," she said, staring out the door for a few more moments and then backing away before Jensen saw her. She took Jared's cheeks between her hands and tilted his head down and pressed a kiss to his hair. "Of course that's okay."
Jared bit his lip so he wouldn't smile too wide. "Jensen'll be in for dinner soon."
"Oh no, no need to call him in," she said quickly. "I'll make something myself, something small. Sandwiches, maybe. Something we can bring outside."
"No, he'll be in soon," said Jared softly, maybe a little apologetically. "Whether we call or not."
"Oh," she said, standing still for a moment then letting out a soft sigh. "Well, it's a start."
"Yeah," said Jared. "Yeah, it is. I don't think he'd mind if you went out there, though."
"I don't think--"
"You wouldn't scare him back inside. It's not like that."
She was silent for another moment, looking Jared over and obviously biting back the question, 'How do you know it's not like that?' But for all that Jensen was their son, and for all that they'd been there when it had all gone down, Jared felt like he was the one who got it, he was the one who got what Jensen's deal was. And it wasn't being afraid of being out of his house.
It was never about him. It was about everyone else.
:::
"Swank," said Brock. "Really swank. So how come you never brought me out here when we were dating?"
"You know why," said Jared, rolling his eyes at him. "It would've been weird. Besides, I'm not even really bringing you now, you just insisted on walking me home."
"Yeah, well we've known you all year and we've never even seen your house," said Genny. "We had to see it at least once before we all finish school and never see one another again."
"Hey, that's not fair," said Jared. "The end of school isn't the end of the world!"
"No, but it's going to change everything," she said. And she was right about that, or at least Jared hoped she was, but everything changing wasn't necessarily a bad thing. Maybe Jared just feared change less than other people. "You guys have to promise to keep in touch or we will never see one another again."
"Like anyone could keep Katie from whipping up a newsletter to keep everyone informed," said Brock. "So this is your place, huh? Do they always get the valet to wait for you upon your return from school, young master?"
"Shut the-- wait, what?" said Jared, because when he looked there was someone sitting out on the front steps. "Huh, that's weird." No, there wasn't just someone on the front steps, there was Jensen sitting out on the front steps. "Oh my God."
"Is that--?"
"Yes!" said Jared, not even letting Genny finish her sentence. "Holy shit, yes. Listen guys, I'll see you tomorrow, all right? Library before class?"
"You know it," said Brock, but Jared didn't even look back, he was already sprinting up to the gate and straight through to the front steps without even pausing.
"Hey," said Jensen, looking for all the world like this was something he did every day. "I figured you'd be getting home soon."
To anyone else he'd look completely normal, that is. But Jared could see the way he trembled, just slightly, the way his eyes never quite stopped moving, the way his breaths were just a hair too quick. He wasn't panicking, not quite, but he could be at any moment.
"You have good timing," he said, taking his cue from Jensen and pretending this was something he saw every day. "Brock and Katie walked me home."
Jensen looked out past him to wave at the pair who had probably reached the gate by now, though Jared still didn't look back, his eyes fixed on Jensen. He was sure going to get some questions at school tomorrow, though.
"I'm not in any hurry, though, if you wanted to... do something?"
Jensen grinned at him, and though Jared could see the 'no' in it, it was a smile all the same. "How about we just get you something to eat?" he said. "You're conscious, therefore you're probably hungry."
It was, Jared had to admit, true.
"All right," he said, but he didn't rush inside. He let Jensen do it in his own time, and was rewarded for that by the way Jensen hesitated a little on the step, looked out at the street beyond them and didn't slip into a panic, not at all.
:::
"You need to sleep," said Jensen. "Seriously, Jared, the last time I saw someone with dark circles like that under their eyes, they were dying."
"You've actually seen someone dying?"
"On TV," clarified Jensen, "and okay, it was make-up, but that just makes it worse. Not only do you look like you're dying, you look like you're TV dying."
"Flattery will get you everywhere," said Jared, yawning and rubbing his forehead with the heel of his hand. "I still have three more finals to write. I can't really relax until they're done."
"You'll do better if you write them well-rested," said Jensen. "I know it's hard for you to believe, but it really wasn't that long ago I was in high school too, you know."
"Liar," said Jared. "You sprung from your mother's womb a fully formed graphic designer. I refuse to believe anything else."
"Actually, let's never speak of my mother's womb again," said Jensen. "But listen to me, really. You know your stuff, Jared. You've known your stuff all year. Cramming is for people who never paid attention, not people who've actually been doing the work. Get some sleep."
"When I'm finished," insisted Jared. "When I'm finished exams, everything will be okay."
"Will it?" said Jensen, his voice growing quieter. "What are you going to do, when you finish exams?"
"Well, I'm...." Jared started, but one look at Jensen's expression silenced him. It didn't change his answer, but that question in his eyes, that silent plea, made him change how he said it. "Jensen... you've always known this was just for the year."
"But it doesn't have to be," he said. "You could stay."
"I can't," said Jared, his voice breaking in spite of his resolve to have a calm, collected conversation about this. He was just too tired, to drained. "You know I can't. I'm barely holding on as it is, Jensen. I need to go home."
"I can't believe you've got all of this," said Jensen, "and still all you can think about is going back to a cabin in the woods."
"It's not all I think about," said Jared. It was close, but it wasn't everything. "I know what I'll be giving up, Jensen. I know. I'm not stupid. But I have to go home. The city is killing me. I can't stay."
"Not even for me?"
Jared squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. "I can't... can we talk about this later, please?" he said. "I'm not doing this to hurt you, I swear."
When he opened his eyes again, Jensen's were blank. Not cold, but obviously suppressing everything he was feeling. "You need some sleep," he said. "Get some sleep and I'll drop it, for now. But if you insist on studying, we're going to have this conversation now."
"That's blackmail," said Jared, but he yawned again and honestly, the one thing he wanted right now even more than home was to go to bed.
"Yeah, but it works," said Jensen, "so I won't apologise."
"I would stay if I could," said Jared softly, but Jensen shook his head, looked away, and Jared dropped it. Neither of them could have this conversation right now, but until they did, it was going to be lurking at the back of his mind.
:::
"You can't go," said Jensen, standing in his doorway and blocking it like that would somehow prevent him from actually leaving. "Jared, why are you going? Don't you have everything you need here?"
"No, I don't," said Jared. "Are you kidding me?
"I need you here, all right? Jared, I need you here."
"Then come with me," said Jared. He'd spent so much time thinking about it, thinking about how to reconcile his need to go home with his desire to stay with Jensen, and that was the one thing he'd come up with. "Jensen, you'd love it up in the mountains, I know you would. You don't have to stay here."
"You know I do."
"I know you don't," said Jared. "I want you to come with me. Doesn't that make a difference?"
"And I want you to stay," said Jensen. "Doesn't that make a difference to you?"
"Of course it does," said Jared, "but I can't stay. I can't stay here, Jensen. You know I'm getting worse. I only stayed to the end of the school year for you."
"You stayed to the end of the school year because my parents already paid for it," said Jensen bitterly.
"No," said Jared. "No. They said I could go, if I needed to. Jensen, they said I could go."
"Yeah, but who would leave before--"
"They said I could go," said Jared. "And I stayed for you. But I've got to go now, I've got to go home."
"I thought you didn't really have a home."
"I didn't, before last summer," said Jared, "but I do now, and it's with my Uncle Jeff. Jensen, come with me. I know you can. You know you can. If you weren't so damn stubborn--"
"This is not stubbornness."
"If you weren't so afraid."
"I have every reason to be afraid!" said Jensen, practically hurling himself away from the door. "Fine, pack then. Whatever. Do whatever you want."
"Jensen, please don't--"
"What am I supposed to do without you here? Go back to how things were before?" said Jensen. "Do you know what that was like? I don't want that."
"Then don't," said Jared. "Then don't go back to that! You've been doing great, Jensen, don't lose that."
"Well, you're leaving, so I guess you don't care," said Jensen, and before Jared could argue that he was off down the hall and then down the stairs.
Jared could have chased him down - after all, there were only so many places, even in a house that size, he could go - but then what. Fight with him some more? There were still things he wanted, needed, to say, but they would have to wait till Jensen was ready to hear them.
:::
As always, Jared didn't have a lot of things to bring with him. The computer was his, they insisted, so that had a bag all its own now. But besides that he had a few new clothes, a few mementos of his friends, and that was it. That was all Jared had to show for his life in the city.
"You can't go in the middle of a fight," said Jensen from behind him.
"Then we'd better stop fighting," said Jared, "because I've already called a cab."
"I don't want to fight," said Jensen, "I just don't want you to go."
"I wish there was a way we could have everything," said Jared, turning around to face him and hoping it wasn't obvious that he was about two kind words away from tears. "But I don't know how to do that. If I stay here, I'm just going to get worse. You know I am."
"I know," said Jensen, "but can you just... you're not going away forever, right? You'll visit?"
"God, of course I will," said Jared. "I'm only a few hours away, you know. You can practically..." He turned to look out the open door and pointed. "There. That's where I live, Jensen." You couldn't see it, of course, and Jared couldn't even be sure he was pointing at exactly the right place, but it was close enough. For this, it didn't matter. "Just come out here and look and there I am."
"It's not the same."
"Of course it's not," said Jared. "It wasn't the same for me either. That's why I have to go. But it's something."
"Yeah," said Jensen, sighing softly. "It's something."
"And when I come visit, I want us to go out and do something," said Jared. "Even if it's just coffee at the end of the street. Do you think you could... I mean, it's been getting better, right?"
"It's been getting better with you here," said Jensen, but he did look out the door again, and he slowly nodded his head. "I'll try. I can't promise anything more than that. I won't lie to you just to make a promise."
"I wouldn't ever want you to," said Jared. Outside, in front of the house, a cab pulled up. "I've got to go."
"I know," said Jensen. "I always knew. Just...." They both hesitated, then Jensen crossed the few steps between them and wrapped his arms around Jared. "Don't forget me."
"Like I ever could," said Jared. He looked at Jensen for a few more moments, memorising every freckle, then he grabbed his bags and turned and headed out to the cab.
He didn't say good-bye, and neither did Jensen. It was the one thing they couldn't say to one another.
Next Part | Master Post
It was over four months after they met, on a chilly, rainy January day, when Jared discovered Brock smoked. It wasn't even on purpose. He was sitting out on the back steps, coat unzipped and tie askew, when he caught sight of him out of the corner of his eye, lighting up almost before the heavy door had swung shut behind him.
"Shit," Brock murmured, obviously looking for someplace to hide it before realising he was well and truly busted. "I need to remember to look to make sure I'm alone."
"You're lucky I wasn't someone else," said Jared, squeezing his butt over to the side a little so Brock could join him on the step. "It's going to start raining again."
"Of course it's going to start raining again," said Brock as he sat down, thigh to thigh with Jared. "It's January. Do you mind...?" He waved the cigarette questioningly, just far enough away that the smoke wouldn't drift into Jared's face.
Jared just shook his head. "No, it's fine," he said. "Hey, it's your lungs, right?"
"Hey, you don't give me grief about my bad habits, and I won't ask you what you're doing sitting out here in the rain," said Brock, taking a drag and blowing smoke off to the other side.
"It's okay if you want to ask," said Jared, leaning forward onto his knees. He was going to have to get someone to let out the hem on his pants again, Christ, if there was even any left to let out.
"Okay then," said Brock. "What are you doing sitting out here in the rain, Jared, since you're obviously not having a nic fit."
"I dunno," he said. "Just thinking about home, I guess."
"Why, something going on with that friend of yours?" he said. "They're not, like, going to send you away or something, are they?"
"No, not that," said Jared. "I mean home. Home back with my family, with Jeff and Chad and Bisou and Sadie. I miss it, you know?"
Brock looked off in the direction of the mountains. "Yeah, I guess you would," he said. "I'd miss my home too if I had to go away. Hell, I used to miss it when I went away to summer camp. I don't think I could've handled boarding school."
"I guess this is a little like boarding school," said Jared consideringly. "A little bit, I guess. I sort of never thought about it like that."
For it to be boarding school, no one was asking him to think of it as home. He'd never had that before, never lived a place he wasn't supposed to think of, even for a short time, as his new home.
"You didn't go home for Christmas?"
Jared shook his head. "I think if I asked Jeff would've paid for me to go," he said, "but they wanted me to stay here, with Jensen. It was important to be with him over the holidays."
"That's gotta be weird too," said Brock. "Your whole... situation."
"I guess," said Jared. It certainly wasn't quite like any situation he'd been in before, in a lot of ways. "I like him, though. Jensen, I mean. We're friends. It would probably be a lot weirder if we didn't get along."
"So there's good things about being here, then, right?" said Brock, taking another drag and licking his lips as Jared watched. "You don't spend all your time thinking of home?"
"Maybe not all of it," said Jared, bumping his knee against Brock's a little self-consciously, waiting to see if maybe he would do it back. He spent a lot of his time thinking of home, but there were good things about Vancouver, things he would probably see a lot more clearly if he didn't feel like he had to be here.
"Just most of it, then?" said Brock. When he bumped Jared's knee in return, Jared's breath unexpectedly caught, just for that moment.
"Just most of it," agreed Jared, and turned a tiny smile on him. "I don't know why I'm out here today. I guess sometimes things just get to me a little."
"There's nothing wrong with that," said Brock. "Man, I was starting to think nothing ever got to you. You're that guy with a smile for everyone, you know? It's hard to get inside your head, Jared."
"You're kidding, right?" said Jared. "But it's so obvious what I’m thinking, all the time. Everybody can tell."
"Maybe you think everybody can tell, but you're pretty good at keeping the sad parts inside, I think," said Brock. "Who knows what else you're keeping inside?"
"A few things, maybe," said Jared, but he was still convinced that he wore his heart on his sleeve. It was one of the things that had made his life so far both easier and harder. "I just like to look on the bright side, you know? I like to see the good in places. I don't usually complain like this."
"You're not complaining," said Brock. "Actually, I kind of like it. It's like I get to see something that nobody else does, you know? One of the little pieces of you that you usually keep to yourself."
"I don't mind if you see those parts of me," said Jared softly, turning his head to really look at him, in time to see Brock lick his lips again. "Maybe I don't want everybody to see, but I don't mind if you do."
Brock looked away and Jared's heart fell into his stomach a little, even though he wasn't entirely sure why. It wasn't like he'd been promised anything. It wasn't like he was even expecting anything. But he was looking, really looking, and he wanted Brock to be looking back. Brock kept looking away, blew out his last lungful of smoke and stubbed out his cigarette on the concrete step, tucking half away for later.
Then he turned back, murmured "I hope to hell I'm reading this right," and pressed his lips briefly to Jared's.
"Oh," said Jared softly when Brock leaned back again, his eyes wide and staring. His heart was definitely beating again, harder and faster and a whole lot livelier. "Oh."
Brock was staring back, maybe not as wide-eyed but definitely staring. "You don't have to... I don't want to have to apologise for that, but you don't have to say yes."
"Just give me a second," said Jared, bringing his fingers up to his lips, brushing his bottom lip softly. "I don't... I've never. I'm not saying no."
"I don't know what that means," admitted Brock. "I should've... should I have said something? Do we need to say something? Can I do it again?"
"I...." Jared looked around, but they were alone on the steps, everyone else having the sense to stay in out of the rain. "You should do it again."
Brock smiled, a grin that was just genuine, not cocky at all, and kissed him again, this time a little longer and a little wetter.
"I thought maybe you might want to," he said after, not giving Jared a chance to say anything this time. "I knew I wanted to, I've wanted to practically since we met, but I didn't know if you... I thought maybe. When there wasn't somebody else even though girls practically throw themselves at you, I thought maybe."
"Wait, do they?" said Jared. "Throw themselves at me."
"No, never," said Brock quickly. "Not at all. Forget I said anything."
Jared smacked him, then let his hand linger. "Do they really? I never... I guess I hadn't figured out how to notice. Lame, huh? Hard to believe I’m seventeen."
"No, I definitely believe you're seventeen," said Brock, "and maybe you never noticed because they weren't your type. You noticed me, right?"
"Yeah, I noticed you," said Jared. He'd noticed him long before the kiss on the steps, even if he hadn't been sure, hadn't known how to read all the signs. At least he'd figured out that there were signs.
And if Brock wasn't the only person he'd noticed, he didn't have to mention that now. It didn't matter now.
"You taste like smoke."
Brock just laughed and hung his head. "I kiss you for the first time and you tell me I taste like smoke?"
"Well, you do," said Jared. "We'll have to try it different, next time."
"Next time?" said Brock, bumping his knee against Jared's one last time.
"Yeah, next time," said Jared, grinning at his knees. He wasn't sure if the whole world suddenly made more sense or less, but whichever it was, it felt pretty good. "For now, come on. We need to get to class."
:::
The truth was, Jared didn't really have anyone else to talk to about stuff like this. His friends here were all school friends, casual friends, and he couldn't just call Chad up out of the blue and talk to him about this. Despite how prickly Jensen still was, he'd turned into a good friend; Jared was used to the prickles. So finally, after a lot of lying in bed and staring at the ceiling, he got up and found his way into Jensen's room.
"I want to tell you something," he said. "And you have to... I just want to tell somebody. I just want to tell you."
"Isn't it a bit late for you to be wandering the house?"
"I couldn't sleep," said Jared. "I just kept thinking about telling you."
"God, I hope it wasn't illegal," said Jensen.
"No," said Jared, laughing nervously. Better to just get it out there. "I, um. I think I have a boyfriend."
He was expecting some sort of reaction, for better or for worse. Something. Anything. What he didn't expect was the blank stare that Jensen gave him. And he definitely didn't expect Jensen to stand up and just leave.
"Jensen?" he called after him, softly, but there was no answer; he was already long gone. "Fuck," he muttered. "Fuck, fuck, fuck." He figured Jensen would probably be surprised, and maybe have some questions, but this? He'd never thought Jensen would ultimately not be okay with it, and now that he was, he didn't know what to do about it.
It wasn't really... Jared wasn't really freaking out about being into a guy. Okay, it was a little different, a little out of left field, but mostly because he'd never really thought about it before. It wasn't some panicky thing. But he had a boyfriend. Sort of. Maybe. And he thought he could talk about that with the one person who had pretty much become the one person he told everything to.
Only it turned out he couldn't tell everything to him after all.
He wasn't sure what he was supposed to do about it now, but he was pretty sure the one thing he was not supposed to do was follow wherever Jensen had gone. Whatever he was thinking, and whatever it was it probably wasn't good things, he needed to do it without Jared in his face.
But he did need to get out of Jensen's room so he slowly made his way back down the hall to his own, and when that started to feel awkward and confining, he grabbed his laptop and went downstairs to the family room, curling up on the corner of the couch and starting an email to Chad. Not about his boyfriend, but catching him up on everything else that had gone on in his life since the last time he'd written.
He wasn't so caught up in it, though, that he didn't notice the moment Jensen came into the room, pausing uncertainly in the doorway and obviously waiting for Jared to look up and acknowledge him, or send him away.
Jared did look up, but he didn't say anything. He wasn't sure what he could say.
"I gave you the wrong idea," said Jensen. "And I need to set the record straight. I just didn't know how to--"
"You made yourself pretty clear."
"No, I didn't," said Jensen. "Jared, I don't leave the house anymore because I was attacked for being gay. I'm not disgusted, I'm terrified for you."
Jared opened his mouth to say something but no words came out. After all this time dancing around the subject, there it finally was, out in the open, and it wasn't anything Jared had been expecting to hear.
"You don't need to be... I mean...."
"No, don't," said Jensen, hushing him with one motion of his hand. "Just stop. Please don't tell me I don't need to be terrified, because you don't know. I have every reason to be terrified. You have no idea."
No, Jared didn't, but they both knew why that was. "I like him, Jensen," he said. "He's my friend. He's been my friend since I got here. Nothing's going to... I mean. I don't even know if I'm gay. I just have a boyfriend."
"Sometimes that doesn't really matter."
"I don't understand," said Jared. "That kind of thing... it doesn't happen here."
"Obviously it does," said Jensen. "Google it, Jared, it's not that hard to find if you really want to know all the sordid details. It was news."
"I don't want to look it up," said Jared. If he wanted to look it up, he could've done that a long time ago. "I want you to tell me, Jensen. I want you to tell me because you want me to know, because I'm your friend."
"I can't... I had a boyfriend, and I thought we were in love, but we weren't. I was in the hospital for a long time." The words came out halting, each sentence fragmented when Jensen finally got it out. "He turned on me. He and his friends turned on me."
It was such an ugly idea, an ugly thing to have happened to anyone, let alone someone who Jared cared about as much as he did Jensen.
"I'm sorry," he said, knowing the words were inadequate but not having any others to offer that were even remotely appropriate. "I know you don't... that's not what's happening here. That's not what it's like with me and Brock."
"Yeah, I know," said Jensen. "And I know what happened to me was... a rare thing. I know it sounds surreal, like something that doesn't really happen to real people in a place like this anymore. But it still happened. To me. And I can't just forget that it did."
"No, I know," said Jared. "I don't know if I ever could either. I didn't know."
"You could've, though," said Jensen, curious now, slowly entering the room and sitting down nearby. "You could've found out from probably a dozen people. You could've found out from my parents. I always thought you would."
Jared shrugged. "I wanted to know," he said. "But I figured it was your story, you know? It was your choice whether to trust me with it or not."
"Like it was your choice to trust me with your relationship with Brock," said Jensen, "and I went and freaked you out."
"I'm not freaked out." Jensen just gave him a look. "Okay, you freaked me out a little, but it's okay now. I mean, I get it. As much as I can get it. You can... if you ever wanted to, you could...."
"Talk about it?"
"Yeah."
"I'll keep that in mind," said Jensen. "And if you want to talk about your boyfriend, that's okay too."
"Maybe later," said Jared, even though he ached to have someone to talk to about it. Jensen was clearly still a little jittery, and Jared, Jared wanted to give himself a little time to work in one important and overlooked fact that had come to light in the middle of all this: Jensen liked guys too. Jensen would understand. "How about some Grand Theft Auto instead?"
"You're on."
:::
Once Jensen opened the door to the subject, Jared didn't feel quite as reluctant anymore to broach it with someone else. Not Jensen's parents - Jared knew he always could have, but he felt like he didn't know them well enough, and that maybe they didn't know their son well enough either - but there were other people who'd known the family during that time too.
Jared had been helping Jim out in the garden almost since he arrived - there wasn't much of a garden to be had during the winter months, but there was tending and cleaning to be done all the same - so it wasn't out of the ordinary to join Jim out there when he was fixing the door on the garden shed.
"Jensen told me," he said, without preamble. Jim was a man with whom Jared never really had to beat around the bush. "About what happened to him."
"Did he, now," said Jim, hesitating for a moment but not stopping his work. "And just what did he tell you?"
"That he had a boyfriend," said Jared, resting his shoulder against the shed. "And that things... went bad. Jensen got hurt. They hurt him because he was gay."
And for all his reassurances to Jensen that things weren't usually like that, spelling it out like that gave Jared a bit of a chill.
"That's a pretty small part of a larger story," said Jim after a moment when Jared didn't have anything to elaborate with. He turned the screwdriver a few times, securing the hinge, then looked up at Jared. "That's all he told you?"
"I didn't push," admitted Jared. "I figured there would be time for that."
Jim nodded, tested the hinge, then finally stood up again. "Jensen's knows it wasn't all him," he said slowly, considering each word, "but it's all tangled up in his head."
"Can you tell me what really happened then? Because the way Jensen tells it...."
"I'd've been surprised if Jensen had told you much beyond the bare bones of it," said Jim with a heavy sigh. "The boys who attacked him, they used his sexuality, his relationship, as an excuse, but the truth is they were former students of his father's who'd been expelled for cheating. One of them seduced Jensen, found his weak spots, then brought the others in. They were getting back at Professor Ackles and Jensen was too easy a target."
"So it wasn't because he was gay."
"I'm sure those boys did have some prejudice in them, but it wasn't the reason for the attack, it was the excuse for it."
"And Jensen knows this?"
"Everyone knows it," said Jim, "but that doesn't make it any easier for him."
"I know he's talked to a lot of people about it," said Jared. "At least, he mentions that a lot of therapists have come and gone in the past few years. None of that helped?"
"That's not something I can answer for you," said Jim. "Whatever Jensen needs, it's not something he's gotten yet. That's about all I can say."
"So you don't think that it's something that doctors can make better?" said Jared, though even as he asked, he realised that he didn't really think that either. In a lot of ways, there wasn't anything wrong with Jensen. Except in how there really, really was.
"I think that the thing that's going to make Jensen better is figuring out what the problem is, and doctors can help with that but the only one that can do it is Jensen. Now, you want to help me sort bulbs?"
"Sure," said Jared, and though he considered that a close to the conversation, the subject was wide open now, and Jared had a lot of thinking to do. "I, um."
"Was there something else?" asked Jim as he opened the newly rehinged shed door and switched on the light, a bare bulb dangling close to the ceiling.
"I have a boyfriend," Jared blurted out. Jim didn't really need to know that, and would never have asked, but it somehow seemed... relevant. "I think. No, I do."
Jim smiled at him, something genuine and warm. "I'm guessing you told Jensen that." After all, it didn't take much to put two and two together there. "Does he make you happy?"
"He makes me a lot of things," said Jared, smiling back. "I just thought I should... I mean, obviously that's why. Jensen said anything."
"With you, Jared, I'm pretty sure he would've said something eventually anyway," said Jim, an unsolicited vote of confidence. From him, above anyone else, Jared could believe it was nothing but honest. "Now let me show you what I've picked up for the spring."
:::
Finding someone who wanted to touch him and hold him and kiss him and listen to him when his day was rough didn't get rid of the ache for home that Jared held in him day after day after day. If anything, it just made him more aware of it, of how simple things were there and how simple they weren't, here in the city.
And knowing about Jensen now, knowing a little bit about what kept him from venturing out into the world, that changed things too.
"So how's your boyfriend today?" said Jensen, hovering at Jared's bedroom door and looking down at where Jared was sprawled across his bed. "You aren't over at his place?"
"I don't go over there every day," said Jared, though lately it had been pretty often, he had to admit. He just didn't go for very long at a time. "He's out of town this weekend anyway."
"You know, you're allowed to bring him over here," said Jensen. "You're allowed to bring people over here."
"I'm kind of not," said Jared, awkward and reluctant to admit that. "I wouldn't anyway. It would just feel weird. I mean, I know I live here and all, but--"
"But it wouldn't be like bringing them home," finished Jensen. "Because you think of this like a stranger's house."
"I think of it like your house," said Jared, "and it would be weird for me to bring other people into it." And it had been suggested to him that while making friends was important, and building a network was part of why going to the Whytecliff School was important, bringing them home to compete with Jensen might not be the best idea. "Would you even want me to?"
Jensen shrugged, trying to portray indifference, but Jared saw him tense up too. It wasn't the physical world he was hiding from, after all. It wasn't the open spaces and the fresh air and the birds and the sidewalks and the stoplights. It was the people.
"Out there I spend time with them, and in here I spend time with you," said Jared, and as complicated as the whole situation was, it really did boil down to something as simple as that.
"Must be nice," said Jensen. The words could have meant a lot of things, and Jared didn't ask what.
"It's not like this up on the mountain," he said, lacing his hands behind his head and looking up at the ceiling.
"Oh yeah?" said Jensen. "Land of milk and honey, is it? Everyone hold hands and sing kumbaya, fairies dancing through the meadows?"
"Do you always have to be like that?" said Jared.
"Like what?" said Jensen. "Living in the real world? Yeah, I guess I do. There's no magical place that's going to make everything better, Jared. It can't take away what happened."
"Yeah, I know, nothing can. But it's got to be better than this."
"You don't know what you're talking about," said Jensen. "Everyone thinks I should go back out there again, but why? Why should I? All that's out there is pain, and violence, and idiocy, and more pain."
"You don't really think that."
"You don't know what I think."
"You don't really think that, because when I talk about my day, you hang on every word of it, Jensen. No matter what I'm talking about. You miss the world outside this house. And yeah, I know sometimes it sucks. You think my life hasn't sucked? Most of it I never even had a home. But you shut yourself up in here and you miss all the good stuff too."
"I've got enough good stuff in here."
"Sure it's fine, but how can it be enough?" said Jared. "Sometimes in life you get hurt, Jensen. It sucks, but it happens. But a lot of times you don't and those times are pretty awesome."
"Wow," said Jensen. "Wow, I never thought I'd get that speech from you of all people."
"Why?" said Jared. "I want you to know, Jensen. The world is a fucking amazing place. It's an amazing place where shitty thing sometimes happen, sure. There's war and there's poverty and I knew a kid once who almost starved to death. And there are hate crimes. And revenge crimes. I know that. I'm not naïve. But I want you to see the rest again, too."
"I see it, Jared," he said. "I have a television. I have the internet. I have you. I know what's out there. It's just... not for me anymore."
Jared sighed and moved over a little so that Jensen could lie down on the bed next to him. Even though the invitation was less than subtle, he didn't expect Jensen to take it. But he did, hesitating only a moment before stretching out on his back and looking up at the ceiling.
"Tell me some more good stuff," he said, and closed his eyes.
:::
It didn't last. Somehow, in the back of his head, Jared had known it wouldn't. But that didn't mean it didn't suck when he met Brock for lunch out by the bleachers expecting a little bit of alone time and ended up getting dumped instead. Brock left and Jared stayed, eating his lunch without tasting it and sleepwalking through the rest of his classes until he could come home again.
Jensen set a bowl of ice cream on top of Jared's homework before he even asked what was wrong.
"Food can't fix everything," said Jared, toying with the spoon.
"Since when?" said Jensen. "It always fixed everything for you before. You hear from your aunt or something?
"No," said Jared, sighing and letting the spoon fall against the bowl with a soft, wet clank. "Brock dumped me."
"Brock dumped you?" said Jensen. His voice was quiet, his incredulity sincere. "I don't get it."
"Yeah, well, I guess he got back together with his old boyfriend," said Jared. "Or something. I didn't even know he had an old boyfriend, no one ever said anything. So I was a rebound, or whatever. It pretty much just sucks."
"So it was... just regular stupid teenage stuff?"
Jared frowned at him. "That doesn't mean I'm not allowed to be upset about it."
"No, of course not," said Jensen quickly. "It's just... he didn't, I don't know, decide he's not gay anymore or something?"
"What? No," said Jared. "He just didn't want me."
"Huh," said Jensen, sitting awkwardly for a few moments and then putting an arm around Jared's shoulders. "Are you sure ice cream isn't going to help?"
Jared let out a sound that was half laugh and half sob. "It might help a little," he admitted. "If there's a lot of it."
"There's more where that came from," Jensen promised him. "I know where Mom keeps her secret stash. We won't run out of ice cream until your stomach explodes."
"You kid, but I bet I could eat most of it," said Jared, finally picking at the bowl he was offered. As soon as his stomach stopped turning somersaults, anyway. "Can we order pizza for dinner tonight too? And wings?"
"Sure, whatever you want," said Jensen. "You want me to put on a movie where shit blows up, too?"
"Yes," said Jared, pointing at the television with his spoon. "Yes, that is exactly what I want. High body count, Jensen, I want a massive body count."
"And you know, if you wanted to talk--"
"Massive body count."
"All right then," said Jensen, "I'm pretty sure that can be arranged."
Jared shoved another spoonful of ice cream in his mouth. "And he could at least have waited until we had sex," he mumbled around it.
"Yeah, you say that now," said Jensen, without so much as a snicker at Jared's embarrassment, "but you'll be glad later."
"Did you?" Jared asked, regretting it the moment the words were out of his mouth. But Jensen didn't shut down and he didn't go away.
"No," he said finally. "I guess cause my boyfriend wasn't actually into guys." Jared was a little scared to ask anything else, so he just let that statement hang in the air for a few minutes. "I’m gonna grab that movie now."
"Yeah, okay," said Jared, and ate another mouthful of the ice cream. It still stung, all of it, everything that Brock had said and done even though none of it was mean. But hanging out with Jensen, who maybe understood in some ways, that actually did make it better. A little.
:::
Jared took the long way home from school for once, getting off the bus several blocks earlier than he had to and heading down the side streets, passing shops that he never really got a chance to see. Jared wasn't always expected to be home right after school, after all - he already spent time at drama club and debate club, and sometimes Katie's house - but he didn't usually take time after school for just him.
At this hour of the afternoon the streets weren't as busy as they were during the lunch hour, or later on in the evening when people began to get off work. Jared strolled leisurely down the sidewalk, peering in shop windows and smiling at the people he passed. When he passed a pet store, though, he couldn't help but stop and, when looking at the animals through the window proved not to be enough, slip inside the store for a few moments.
He couldn't afford to buy any of the animals in the store, of course; these were purebreds, raised for a population that could indulge in that kind of thing. But that didn't make them any less appealing to him.
"Hello kitties," he said. He knew perfectly well that the cutest baby animals were kept at the front of the store to draw people in, but he wasn't ashamed that it worked on him. "Hello puppies!"
"I see we have an animal lover."
Jared looked sheepishly back over his shoulder. "They looked like they could use some company?" he offered.
"They could use some company, or you could?" she said with a kind smile. "They're--"
"No, don't tell me," Jared interrupted her. "You're going to tell me what breed they are and how awesome they are and I'm going to want one more than anything and there's no way I can afford it."
She just smiled again and nodded. "They seem to like you," she said instead of giving him her sales pitch.
"We had two dogs back home," said Jared. "Bisou and Sadie. I miss them like you wouldn't believe."
"You didn't bring them with you?"
"I'm just here for school," said Jared. "They don't belong in a city anyway. They'd be miserable cooped up here with nowhere to run and play."
"It's a good thing they have a home somewhere else then," she said, "even if you can't be with them."
"I keep telling myself it's just a few more months," said Jared, reaching down to pet one of the puppies in spite of his resolve not to get attached. "It helps a little sometimes. Not much, but a little."
"Sounds like you're pretty miserable being cooped up in a city, too," she said, seeing through him more easily than most. But then, people who worked with animals often read other people better than most.
"I spent most of my life in cities," he admitted, "but I guess I always knew it wasn't for me. Do they have names?"
"Do you really want to know?" she said.
Jared hesitated, then shook his head. "No, I'd better not," he said. "You're not going to have any trouble finding homes for these, right?"
"Not the slightest bit," she promised him. "You know, pet stores aren't the only places with animals that need homes."
"I know," said Jared, "but the shelters require a lot of paperwork and promises that I can't give them. I'm only seventeen."
"No, you're right," she said, reaching into her pocket for a pen, then onto the counter for a scrap of paper, "but a friend of mine has a litter that she just weaned. They're not purebreds, and they're probably going to be a lot bigger than most apartment-dwellers want."
"Oh no," said Jared, but he was smiling even as he shook his head. "You're going to tell me where to get a puppy and I'm not going to be able to help myself and then what am I going to do?"
"Give a good home to a dog that really needs it," she said, handing him the paper with the number and the address. "I know good people when I see them, and I can tell you're good people. That's my friend Annie's number. Tell her Sandy sent you."
"I will," said Jared, and he already knew it was going to be his next stop on the way home. It wasn't even that far away. "I'm not sure whether I should thank you or curse you."
"You'll thank me when you see them," she said. "Just promise me they'll be loved."
"I don't think that's going to be a problem," said Jared, putting the paper safely in his pocket. "I'm, um, I'm Jared. Thank you, Sandy. I wouldn't have... maybe this'll help."
"Maybe it'll help you both."
:::
"What's that sound?"
"What sound?" said Jared, eating his sandwich and pretending there wasn't a faint whimpering and scuffling coming from his coat pocket. "What, can you hear my chewing? I'll try to keep my mouth closed."
"No, not that," said Jensen. "Well, okay, that too - gross, by the way - but there's something else."
He stalked around the table to lurk at Jared's side, giving him a suspicious look.
"All right, all right, just let me finish eating first," said Jared, downing his sandwich in two bites and licking his fingers while Jensen waited. "Promise you won't be mad?"
"I never promise I won't be mad."
"Okay," said Jared, biting his lip and looking down at his pocket. The puppy decided right then to take the decision out of Jared's hands, poking his little nose out through the flap.
"My mother's going to kill you," said Jensen. "Jared, she's going to kill you."
"Do you think we could just not tell her?" said Jared. "I mean, she's not even going to be home for another couple of weeks. Maybe she won't notice."
"You think my mother's not going to notice a dog?" said Jensen, moving hesitant fingers closer to the animal. "That's wishful thinking."
"It's not a big dog," protested Jared. "Like, just a puppy. We could hide him."
Jensen started laughing, finally letting the tiny nose poke at his fingers. "Oh my God, Jared, I can't believe you came home with a dog."
"Puppies need homes too," said Jared, softly and trying not to sound quite as pathetic about that as he sometimes felt. "Jeff has two dogs--"
"Bisou and Sadie, I know," said Jensen, finally reaching right into Jared's pocket to pluck the puppy out of it. "And who's this?"
"His name's Harley," said Jared, looking up and grinning at the way Jensen cuddled the puppy to his chest unselfconsciously.
"Harley like the bike?"
"I don't know," admitted Jared. "Probably? He was already named when I got him. His brothers and sisters were all already gone; he was the last one left."
"Jared Padalecki, rescuer of flowers and puppies," said Jensen. "What are we going to do with a puppy?"
"Play with him?" suggested Jared. "And feed him and take him for walks--"
"That's your department, just so you know."
"--and... do dog things. You like dogs, right? You always said you liked dogs."
"I've never even had a dog before," said Jensen, but he was excited, Jared could see it, for once acting more like an eleven-year-old than a twenty-one-year-old. "How old is he?"
"Almost ten weeks," said Jared, "but he was the smallest to start out with. Annie says he'll get pretty big, but not for a while. I told her you had a yard, a big yard, so he wasn't going to be cooped up inside all the time."
"I can't believe you just brought home a dog," said Jensen. "The way you'd bring home, like, a book. That's crazy. That's something crazy people do."
"Books are harder to cuddle," said Jared, but he had a feeling he wasn't going to be the one who got to cuddle the dog. He thought he was getting the puppy for himself, to not feel quite so homesick or lonely, but maybe there was someone else in the house who needed him even more.
:::
They only left the door open a crack, kneeling on the floor and rolling a ball around so Harley could chase after it, but he still spotted the tiny pathway to freedom and wriggled his way out before anyone could stop him.
"Shit," said Jensen, slobbery orange ball in his hand. "Could you...?"
"Sure," said Jared, pushing himself up off the floor and slipping out into the backyard after Harley. "Hey, boy. Hey, Harley, did you find something interesting out here?"
The rapidly-growing pup had already sniffed his way around the bench and the nearest tree and was heading straight for Jim's garden shed.
"Okay, well, I guess we can give you a little more time to claim some territory," said Jared, standing back while he yipped and circled. Eventually Harley would probably just do his business and head back to him anyway, and waiting it out on the garden path sure beat chasing the guy around all over the place.
It was sort of easy to lose track of time when his eyes were busy following Harley all over the big yard, though, and it didn't seem long at all before he heard a quiet voice calling, "Jared?" from behind him.
He turned around expecting to see Jensen standing just inside the doorway, but he wasn't in the doorway. Jensen was standing just a couple of feet behind him.
"Uh, hi," said Jared, standing right where he was and unable to resist staring. Jensen looked as amazing in sunlight as Jared had always known he would.
"Hi," said Jensen, and tilted his head back and stared up at the sky.
Jared didn't think it was coincidence that Harley chose that moment to come flying back across the yard towards them, running a few circles around Jensen's ankles before hovering near the back door. Jensen chewed on his lip for a few moments, then gave Jared an unreadable look before turning back towards the house.
"You coming back inside?" he said, following Harley.
"Yeah, I guess," said Jared, even though that was the last thing he wanted to say. He wanted to ask Jensen to stay, to play with Harley, to play catch and look at the first sprouts of the garden and go with him everywhere. "You left the ball inside."
Jensen nodded, and reached out to tug Jared's sleeve to come with him. "You're worse than the puppy," he said as Jared reluctantly let himself be drawn back inside.
It was something, though. It was something he'd started to think he wouldn't be here long enough to see.
:::
It had stopped being awkward a while ago, but Jared still stared at anything but his friends when Brock mentioned Travis, and he didn't pretend his friends didn't notice. It wasn't a big thing, though, not really. People dated sometimes. It was just what they did.
It was normal.
"Hey, did you finish the backdrops?" said Brock, giving him a little nudge. "I can't wait to see them."
"They haven't finished painting them yet," said Jared, passing the nudge along to Aldis. "But that's totally not my department."
"I still don't know how you guys roped me into this," he said, stabbing his spoon into his pudding. "I am very sure that at the beginning of this year I told you I was not getting involved."
"That's what you always say," said Katie, "but we know you better than that."
"All I'm saying is at least one of you better be showing up at my tournament next weekend," he said.
"You know we're all going to be there," said Jared. "Even though we already know you're going to win."
"Yeah, if Jared can be convinced to leave his beloved Jensen for that long, I'm sure we all can make it," said Genny, innocently stealing both Aldis's spoon and a mouthful of his dessert.
"Hey," said Jared, "Hey, you know it's not like that."
"Not like what?" said Genny. "Come on, tell us what it's not like, Jared."
"He's like... my brother or something," he said, though the word made him feel squirmy, knowing brother definitely wasn't the way he thought of him, no matter how closely they lived together. "And he's not going to care if I'm gone for most of the weekend. I go out with you guys all the time."
"Yeah, sure, to the movies and stuff," said Katie. "But nothing like this. Are you even allowed?
"Of course I’m allowed!" said Jared. "You guys know it's not like that. I just have responsibilities. They're doing this amazing thing for me, so I have to do something amazing for them, too, to make an even deal."
Except that wasn't right, not really. It was accurate, in a way, but it wasn't what he and Jensen had. Maybe his friendship with Jensen was something that had been preordained from the moment his aunt had made the deal, but that didn't mean it wasn't something real. That didn't mean it wasn't something Jared valued.
"As long as it means you're coming to my tournament, I don't really care," said Aldis. "I'm painting that damn backdrop so y'all can watch me kick some ass in return."
"Drama club looks good on your college applications anyway," said Brock. "Kung fu just makes you look weird."
"Kung Fu'll make you look weird," muttered Aldis. "I got my last application in yesterday. I don't think I'll get into Queen's but I figured I'd give it a shot anyway."
"Like you'd ever move to Ontario," scoffed Brock. "You'd wither up and die."
"You never know. University's a whole new ball game," said Aldis. "Hey Jared, I was thinking, if you applied to UBC would they waive tuition for you? You know, because of Professor Ackles?"
"I'm pretty sure that's just for actual children," said Jared. "Besides, I didn't apply. I didn't apply anywhere."
"You seriously didn't?" said Katie. "Really? I thought you were kidding about that."
Jared shook his head, unable to resist smiling at her expression. "Taking a year off isn't that weird," he said. "Okay, at this school it's a little weird, but normal people do it all the time."
"You should've applied and then just deferred entrance," said Genny. "Then you wouldn’t have to worry about it."
"Applied where?" said Jared. "I don't even know what I want to do. Besides, as far as I can tell I'm the only one not worrying about it right now."
"Slacker," said Brock, but Jared knew fondness in Brock's voice when he heard it, even though it was different now than it had once been. "You know a year off doesn't mean you get to sit around by the pool all day, right?"
"Because you know that's what I do when I'm at the house now, right?" said Jared, rolling his eyes at all of them. Though if the pool had been indoors, he couldn't say he wouldn't have. "Are you all finished sending your applications in? Already?"
"Not me," said Genny. "I've got a few more decisions to make."
"Yeah, like which prestigious university will want you more," said Aldis. "I though you already had scholarship offers?"
"Yeah, but I'm not sure I want to go to school in the states," she said, "even if they want to offer me a full athletic scholarship. Playing hockey's not everything, you know?"
"Shh, don't say that too loud," said Brock. "Even around here I think you'd find more than a few people who'd disagree."
It was sort of an alien conversation to Jared, making decisions he really wasn't thinking about yet, but then the decisions he'd had to make for himself were probably just as alien to them. A year off didn't feel like a luxury, it felt like a necessity, even though he didn't have any idea what he wanted to do.
The only thing he knew for sure was that he wanted to go home.
:::
Jared didn't know when the nightmares started. It had probably been a while, because he'd never felt as rested in the city as he'd felt up on the mountain, but he only started remembering them after his split with Brock. Insidious, dark nightmares where he was trapped here forever, in a room with no windows, dead eyes and pale skin behind a too-large desk.
He thought it was just his personal burden until one morning at breakfast he saw Jensen looking as tired as he felt. Which wasn't entirely unusual, with Jensen, but then he mumbled something about Jared keeping him up and Jared flushed and excused himself from the table.
He tried harder after that, but you couldn't just will nightmares away, no matter how much you wanted to. And talking about what he was dreaming about just seemed to make them come on stronger.
When Mr. Ackles asked Jared into his office for a talk, Jared already knew exactly what it was about.
"Maybe there's some kind of... soundproofing we could put up," he said pre-emptively, before Mr. Ackles even had a chance to say a word. "I don't mean to keep people up."
"Of course you don't," he said kindly. "It's not your fault, Jared. But that doesn't change the fact that we obviously have a problem here."
"I'm sorry," said Jared. "I don't know what to do."
"Do you want to go home?"
"I...." The question was so startling that Jared couldn't even think of an answer to it at first.
"Jensen's told me a little bit about what you're dreaming about," he went on, holding up a hand to forestall any kind of betrayed reaction. "Not a lot, just enough for me to know what's going on. It's normal for someone your age to feel a lot of stress about the future, and someone in your situation even more so."
"I do miss it," said Jared. "I didn't know how much I would miss it until I was here."
"If it means that much to you, we'll make the arrangements," said Mr. Ackles. "You're not trapped here, Jared. You're not a prisoner, to us or to anyone else."
"Aunt Sam wouldn't be happy if I left," said Jared, shaking his head.
"You let me deal with your Aunt Sam," he said.
Jared looked back over his shoulder towards the stairs. "Jensen wouldn't be happy if I left either."
"No," agreed Mr. Ackles. "No, he wouldn't."
"And it would put me behind with my school."
"Your teachers all say you're an excellent student, with some minor concentration issues," he said. "They're disappointed you didn't apply to any universities. I have to say I'm a little surprised too."
"It doesn't mean I’m not going," said Jared quickly. "I just want a little time first, to do what I want."
"I suppose I can't blame you for that," he admitted. "I believe your aunt might have misrepresented your situation somewhat when she made the arrangements with us."
"Yeah, she does that," said Jared wryly. "I think her heart was in the right place, though."
"But you obviously wouldn't have jumped at this opportunity if it hadn't been force fed to you," said Mr. Ackles. Jared didn't think he could really understand, but at least he was trying, and that meant a lot. "You've fit in well, Jared, but if you want to go home... we'll make it happen for you. No one ever wanted you to be miserable."
Jared thought about it, about packing his things and saying goodbye to his friends and being back in Jeff's cabin by dinnertime. And it felt good, he felt warm and safe inside at the thought of being back in a place he loved, with people who loved him. But at the same time, he wasn't a kid. He wasn't the one who'd made the arrangement here, but since being here he'd made some implicit promises of his own. To Jensen, to be there for him, to his friends to see them through their ups and downs this year, and to himself to finish out his final year of high school the best he could.
"It's only a couple months to the end of the school year," he said finally. "It'll be okay. I'll be okay. I'll stay till I'm finished."
Mr. Ackles smiled at him and gave him a paternal pat on the shoulder. "I meant everything I said," he said, "but I'm still glad you've decided to stay. We'll just have to work on those nightmares. I'm guessing nothing anyone could say, though, could convince you to stay longer."
Jared would stay to the end of the year, but he couldn't bear it any longer than that. From now until then, he would be counting the days until he could go home again.
:::
"Jared?" said Chad. "Jared who? I don't think I know anyone named Jared."
"Shut up," said Jared, trying not to laugh.
"I used to know a Jared, but I haven't heard from him in ages. I think he might have run off to join a cult. Or maybe he fell off the coast and drowned, it's hard to say."
"It hasn't been that long," said Jared. "I emailed you last week."
"That could've been anyone," said Chad ominously. "Your new family could've buried your body in the basement and hacked into your email account to cover it up."
"If I promise I'm not buried in the basement, will you acknowledge that I'm probably alive and talking to you right now?"
"Maybe if you pinky swear," said Chad. "Or say scout's honour or something. Were you ever even a scout?"
"Never," said Jared, "but I promise you can trust my word anyway. I know I haven't talked to you in ages, I just...."
"This is going to be one of those weepy conversations, isn't it," said Chad, muffling the phone with one hand as he called out, "someone wanna bring me some kleenex? I think I might have some feelings coming on."
"God you're a jerk," laughed Jared. "I miss you."
"You wouldn't have to miss me if you'd stayed," said Chad, but though he said it every time he called, they'd long ago come to terms with the separation. "So what's wrong? What made you need to hear the lovely, cheerful tones of my voice today?"
"I don't know," said Jared. "I think it's getting harder, being here. A year is longer than I thought."
"Probably because you've never stayed a whole year in one place before," said Chad. "Are you sure I can't push your aunt off the mountain?"
"For you to do that she'd have to come back up the mountain again," said Jared, "and I'm willing to bet she's not going to be doing that. Ever."
"Not even to bring you home?" said Chad. "That's cold, Jared."
"I'm not going to ask her to," said Jared. "I'll make my own way home. So hey, how's Jeff? You've seen him, right?"
"Course I have," said Chad. "Jeff's... Jeff. He's quiet. You know, you could call him yourself and ask."
"You think Jeff's quiet in person? You should hear him on the phone," said Jared. "It's always just awkward, talking to him. He wants me back, though, right?"
"Of course he wants you back," said Chad. "Every time I see him I think he's halfway to his truck to come racing down there to kidnap you. Don't be stupid, Jared, you're the best thing to ever happen to Jeff Morgan and everybody knows it."
"And then I left," said Jared with a sigh, still feeling the burden of responsibility for that even though it had never been his choice, and would never have been his choice. "But I'll be back soon. As soon as school lets out."
"Your aunt's not going to stop you, is she?" said Chad. "You won't be quite eighteen."
"I'll be three weeks from me eighteenth birthday and a high school graduate," said Jared. "She's not going to bother, Chad. I know her. From the moment she placed me with the Ackles family for the year, I think she felt like her job was finally done."
"So she's not going to come to your graduation, huh?"
"I'm not even sure I'm going to my graduation," said Jared. "She'll probably send a present, though. That's the kind of thing she would do. It looks good."
"You're absolutely, positively sure I can't push her off a mountain? I'm not even picky about which mountain. If she's over in Europe, I'm sure there's a nearby Alp that'll do."
"She's all right," said Jared. "She just has her own stuff going on. Maybe we'll even get along better, once we're both adults."
"You're not holding your breath about that, right?" said Chad. "Because as your best friend I'd have to break it to you that that's just not going to happen, and then I'd feel like a dick and who wants that, right?"
"No, I'm not holding my breath," admitted Jared. "But it could happen. Once she doesn't feel responsibility for me... maybe she'll see who I really am."
"Wouldn't hold your breath about that either," said Chad. "Besides, who needs her when you've got Jeff? If you guys don't talk then you should email him again or something. It makes him happy."
"Yeah?" said Jared.
"Duh," said Chad. "Of course it does. I've never seen him take to anybody like he took to you, Jared, and now you're just fishing for compliments so I'm going to stop." The receiver was muffled again, and Jared heard a bellowed, "Just a minute!" before Chad came back on the line clearly again. "I've got to go. You're not going to wait years before calling again, are you?"
"Shut up," said Jared. "It wasn't years. I'll call next weekend, all right?"
"All right," said Chad. "You'd better. Everyone wants to know how you are. You know that, right? Jeff's not the only guy who misses you."
"Yeah," said Jared, his voice unexpectedly catching for a moment. "Yeah, I know that now. Talk to you later, Chad."
"Yeah, you will," said Chad, and apparently that was the only goodbye that Jared was going to get out of him, because the call went dead a moment later.
It was just what he needed, though. A few minutes with his best friend to remind him what he had waiting, when this year was finally over.
The only problem was, making his way to Jensen's room after made him remember what he'd be leaving behind.
:::
Jensen was in the back yard playing with Harley when his mother came home from her business trip.
"Oh my God," she said, dropping her briefcase on the dining room table and heading straight through the room to the French doors.
"We got a dog," said Jared, hanging back with his hands in his pockets. "I hope that's okay."
"That's... of course that's okay," she said, staring out the door for a few more moments and then backing away before Jensen saw her. She took Jared's cheeks between her hands and tilted his head down and pressed a kiss to his hair. "Of course that's okay."
Jared bit his lip so he wouldn't smile too wide. "Jensen'll be in for dinner soon."
"Oh no, no need to call him in," she said quickly. "I'll make something myself, something small. Sandwiches, maybe. Something we can bring outside."
"No, he'll be in soon," said Jared softly, maybe a little apologetically. "Whether we call or not."
"Oh," she said, standing still for a moment then letting out a soft sigh. "Well, it's a start."
"Yeah," said Jared. "Yeah, it is. I don't think he'd mind if you went out there, though."
"I don't think--"
"You wouldn't scare him back inside. It's not like that."
She was silent for another moment, looking Jared over and obviously biting back the question, 'How do you know it's not like that?' But for all that Jensen was their son, and for all that they'd been there when it had all gone down, Jared felt like he was the one who got it, he was the one who got what Jensen's deal was. And it wasn't being afraid of being out of his house.
It was never about him. It was about everyone else.
:::
"Swank," said Brock. "Really swank. So how come you never brought me out here when we were dating?"
"You know why," said Jared, rolling his eyes at him. "It would've been weird. Besides, I'm not even really bringing you now, you just insisted on walking me home."
"Yeah, well we've known you all year and we've never even seen your house," said Genny. "We had to see it at least once before we all finish school and never see one another again."
"Hey, that's not fair," said Jared. "The end of school isn't the end of the world!"
"No, but it's going to change everything," she said. And she was right about that, or at least Jared hoped she was, but everything changing wasn't necessarily a bad thing. Maybe Jared just feared change less than other people. "You guys have to promise to keep in touch or we will never see one another again."
"Like anyone could keep Katie from whipping up a newsletter to keep everyone informed," said Brock. "So this is your place, huh? Do they always get the valet to wait for you upon your return from school, young master?"
"Shut the-- wait, what?" said Jared, because when he looked there was someone sitting out on the front steps. "Huh, that's weird." No, there wasn't just someone on the front steps, there was Jensen sitting out on the front steps. "Oh my God."
"Is that--?"
"Yes!" said Jared, not even letting Genny finish her sentence. "Holy shit, yes. Listen guys, I'll see you tomorrow, all right? Library before class?"
"You know it," said Brock, but Jared didn't even look back, he was already sprinting up to the gate and straight through to the front steps without even pausing.
"Hey," said Jensen, looking for all the world like this was something he did every day. "I figured you'd be getting home soon."
To anyone else he'd look completely normal, that is. But Jared could see the way he trembled, just slightly, the way his eyes never quite stopped moving, the way his breaths were just a hair too quick. He wasn't panicking, not quite, but he could be at any moment.
"You have good timing," he said, taking his cue from Jensen and pretending this was something he saw every day. "Brock and Katie walked me home."
Jensen looked out past him to wave at the pair who had probably reached the gate by now, though Jared still didn't look back, his eyes fixed on Jensen. He was sure going to get some questions at school tomorrow, though.
"I'm not in any hurry, though, if you wanted to... do something?"
Jensen grinned at him, and though Jared could see the 'no' in it, it was a smile all the same. "How about we just get you something to eat?" he said. "You're conscious, therefore you're probably hungry."
It was, Jared had to admit, true.
"All right," he said, but he didn't rush inside. He let Jensen do it in his own time, and was rewarded for that by the way Jensen hesitated a little on the step, looked out at the street beyond them and didn't slip into a panic, not at all.
:::
"You need to sleep," said Jensen. "Seriously, Jared, the last time I saw someone with dark circles like that under their eyes, they were dying."
"You've actually seen someone dying?"
"On TV," clarified Jensen, "and okay, it was make-up, but that just makes it worse. Not only do you look like you're dying, you look like you're TV dying."
"Flattery will get you everywhere," said Jared, yawning and rubbing his forehead with the heel of his hand. "I still have three more finals to write. I can't really relax until they're done."
"You'll do better if you write them well-rested," said Jensen. "I know it's hard for you to believe, but it really wasn't that long ago I was in high school too, you know."
"Liar," said Jared. "You sprung from your mother's womb a fully formed graphic designer. I refuse to believe anything else."
"Actually, let's never speak of my mother's womb again," said Jensen. "But listen to me, really. You know your stuff, Jared. You've known your stuff all year. Cramming is for people who never paid attention, not people who've actually been doing the work. Get some sleep."
"When I'm finished," insisted Jared. "When I'm finished exams, everything will be okay."
"Will it?" said Jensen, his voice growing quieter. "What are you going to do, when you finish exams?"
"Well, I'm...." Jared started, but one look at Jensen's expression silenced him. It didn't change his answer, but that question in his eyes, that silent plea, made him change how he said it. "Jensen... you've always known this was just for the year."
"But it doesn't have to be," he said. "You could stay."
"I can't," said Jared, his voice breaking in spite of his resolve to have a calm, collected conversation about this. He was just too tired, to drained. "You know I can't. I'm barely holding on as it is, Jensen. I need to go home."
"I can't believe you've got all of this," said Jensen, "and still all you can think about is going back to a cabin in the woods."
"It's not all I think about," said Jared. It was close, but it wasn't everything. "I know what I'll be giving up, Jensen. I know. I'm not stupid. But I have to go home. The city is killing me. I can't stay."
"Not even for me?"
Jared squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. "I can't... can we talk about this later, please?" he said. "I'm not doing this to hurt you, I swear."
When he opened his eyes again, Jensen's were blank. Not cold, but obviously suppressing everything he was feeling. "You need some sleep," he said. "Get some sleep and I'll drop it, for now. But if you insist on studying, we're going to have this conversation now."
"That's blackmail," said Jared, but he yawned again and honestly, the one thing he wanted right now even more than home was to go to bed.
"Yeah, but it works," said Jensen, "so I won't apologise."
"I would stay if I could," said Jared softly, but Jensen shook his head, looked away, and Jared dropped it. Neither of them could have this conversation right now, but until they did, it was going to be lurking at the back of his mind.
:::
"You can't go," said Jensen, standing in his doorway and blocking it like that would somehow prevent him from actually leaving. "Jared, why are you going? Don't you have everything you need here?"
"No, I don't," said Jared. "Are you kidding me?
"I need you here, all right? Jared, I need you here."
"Then come with me," said Jared. He'd spent so much time thinking about it, thinking about how to reconcile his need to go home with his desire to stay with Jensen, and that was the one thing he'd come up with. "Jensen, you'd love it up in the mountains, I know you would. You don't have to stay here."
"You know I do."
"I know you don't," said Jared. "I want you to come with me. Doesn't that make a difference?"
"And I want you to stay," said Jensen. "Doesn't that make a difference to you?"
"Of course it does," said Jared, "but I can't stay. I can't stay here, Jensen. You know I'm getting worse. I only stayed to the end of the school year for you."
"You stayed to the end of the school year because my parents already paid for it," said Jensen bitterly.
"No," said Jared. "No. They said I could go, if I needed to. Jensen, they said I could go."
"Yeah, but who would leave before--"
"They said I could go," said Jared. "And I stayed for you. But I've got to go now, I've got to go home."
"I thought you didn't really have a home."
"I didn't, before last summer," said Jared, "but I do now, and it's with my Uncle Jeff. Jensen, come with me. I know you can. You know you can. If you weren't so damn stubborn--"
"This is not stubbornness."
"If you weren't so afraid."
"I have every reason to be afraid!" said Jensen, practically hurling himself away from the door. "Fine, pack then. Whatever. Do whatever you want."
"Jensen, please don't--"
"What am I supposed to do without you here? Go back to how things were before?" said Jensen. "Do you know what that was like? I don't want that."
"Then don't," said Jared. "Then don't go back to that! You've been doing great, Jensen, don't lose that."
"Well, you're leaving, so I guess you don't care," said Jensen, and before Jared could argue that he was off down the hall and then down the stairs.
Jared could have chased him down - after all, there were only so many places, even in a house that size, he could go - but then what. Fight with him some more? There were still things he wanted, needed, to say, but they would have to wait till Jensen was ready to hear them.
:::
As always, Jared didn't have a lot of things to bring with him. The computer was his, they insisted, so that had a bag all its own now. But besides that he had a few new clothes, a few mementos of his friends, and that was it. That was all Jared had to show for his life in the city.
"You can't go in the middle of a fight," said Jensen from behind him.
"Then we'd better stop fighting," said Jared, "because I've already called a cab."
"I don't want to fight," said Jensen, "I just don't want you to go."
"I wish there was a way we could have everything," said Jared, turning around to face him and hoping it wasn't obvious that he was about two kind words away from tears. "But I don't know how to do that. If I stay here, I'm just going to get worse. You know I am."
"I know," said Jensen, "but can you just... you're not going away forever, right? You'll visit?"
"God, of course I will," said Jared. "I'm only a few hours away, you know. You can practically..." He turned to look out the open door and pointed. "There. That's where I live, Jensen." You couldn't see it, of course, and Jared couldn't even be sure he was pointing at exactly the right place, but it was close enough. For this, it didn't matter. "Just come out here and look and there I am."
"It's not the same."
"Of course it's not," said Jared. "It wasn't the same for me either. That's why I have to go. But it's something."
"Yeah," said Jensen, sighing softly. "It's something."
"And when I come visit, I want us to go out and do something," said Jared. "Even if it's just coffee at the end of the street. Do you think you could... I mean, it's been getting better, right?"
"It's been getting better with you here," said Jensen, but he did look out the door again, and he slowly nodded his head. "I'll try. I can't promise anything more than that. I won't lie to you just to make a promise."
"I wouldn't ever want you to," said Jared. Outside, in front of the house, a cab pulled up. "I've got to go."
"I know," said Jensen. "I always knew. Just...." They both hesitated, then Jensen crossed the few steps between them and wrapped his arms around Jared. "Don't forget me."
"Like I ever could," said Jared. He looked at Jensen for a few more moments, memorising every freckle, then he grabbed his bags and turned and headed out to the cab.
He didn't say good-bye, and neither did Jensen. It was the one thing they couldn't say to one another.
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Date: 2009-10-17 11:57 am (UTC)"Liar," said Jensen. "You sprung from your mother's womb a fully formed graphic designer. I refuse to believe anything else."
I know this is like... 6 months after you've posted...But I think you mean 'said Jared'?
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Date: 2009-10-17 11:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-17 12:00 pm (UTC)Your welcome. ;)
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Date: 2009-10-17 12:01 pm (UTC)omfg it is late.
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Date: 2009-10-17 12:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-02-22 10:52 pm (UTC)